


please don't take my sunshine away

by littlelooneyluna



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, Dark, Emotional, Gen, M/M, Miscarriage, Postnatal depression, still birth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-22 11:05:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 33,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11378904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: robert and aaron's daughter arrives and things should be perfect, rebecca's miscarriage and robert's grief should be far behind them, robert should be able to love his own child with aaron now. it's just not that easy though.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> oh look i am back to make you all cry *evil laugh* lol okay so this fic is nearly done and so i'll most likely be uploading again tomorrow. approach with caution and please know that although i obviously have no experience with the topics raised i have done my research because i really wanted to show this issue and how it effects so many men ~ one out of every ten ~ so yeah that's why i have written this really.

 

They're better, it's mad, it's strange to even say but they are. Robert knows, he knows that it's almost like he and Aaron have opened a new door, into their new life and the air is clearer there.

They talk, they keep talking until it almost became as natural as breathing and loving each other.

That's why it happens the way it does, that's why Aaron feels able to say what he does, start the chain of events off.

He's suddenly honest one night, after the pain has subsided and Robert doesn't turn away from him in the night and then cling onto him again minutes later anymore. He just says what's he's thinking because that's the way forward now.

' _No more secrets, no more hurting each other.'_

"I want us to have a baby." Aaron whispers, looks at Robert's face and the way it distorts into something he can't quite put his finger on. It isn't shock nor surprise, it's not horror either but -

Robert feels something inside him bubble, it's been nearly six months and everything still is heavy on his mind. He doesn't tell Aaron about it, they don't talk about it anymore because there's no point.

She lost it and she left and that's all there is to it.

Aaron blinks at him, and it pulls Robert back into the conversation he's having with his husband as they lay tangled in the sheets. He knows he's waiting for an answer, knows he can't pretend he hasn't heard because the air is different now and he doesn't have the heart to ignore Aaron. Not when he's being like this, not when he's being open and loving and just trying to do his best.

"Robert?" Aaron blinks softly, his cheeks flushing a little. "Talk to me." He says, knows that this is the hard part.

Robert gulps, there's a flash of a memory which is flung across his mind, Rebeca's face paling and then her crying into her hands. He can see her now, slapping at his chest, telling him he'd go to Hell for this, for killing another one of her children. It makes him feel sick and then he shakes it off.

"I - I don't know what to say." Robert says, bites his lip and then sighs. "I didn't think you wanted -"

Aaron frowns, he hears himself saying all those things again, all the lies.

' _Thank God it's not our kid eh? The way you're acting about it! I'd never want that, not with you!'_

"I lied." Aaron bats his eyes and then shrugs his shoulders as he pulls himself closer to Robert and then really looks into his eyes. "When it happened ... I was devastated Rob."

Robert knows he was, deep down he did but he didn't say that when it happened. Instead he was nasty and accused Aaron of being glad, of always wanting Rebecca to lose the baby and leave the village behind her.

"That baby -" Aaron feels something become stuck in his mouth and he can't carry on speaking until it passes. "It won't be forgotten about."

It never will be. The thought burns into Robert's skin as he lays next to Aaron and manages to keep his gaze.

"Aaron," Robert steadies himself, knows that talking about this all should be easy considering how well he was at doing it before, when it was still fresh and raw. He could do it then, he can do it now. "It wasn't really mine was it?" Apparently he can't do it. "It was her baby, not mine."

That was true, that was truer than anything else. It was her baby, it was a White, would never be Sugden and - that thought made it hurt less when it stopped wriggling and they couldn't find a heartbeat.

Aaron looks a little puzzled, doesn't know exactly what to say to that and then Robert has a hand over his. "You really want a kid with me, after everything?" Robert whispers, blurts out more like.

Aaron's eyes flicker, it's been sixth months and he can't deny the fact that with each passing day the thought of Robert getting the chance to hold their baby makes his heart flutter even more.

"Of course I do." Aaron says, maybe a bit too quickly. "I know this might sound, dunno a bit - but this has made me realise how much I want us to be a family. It's made me _want_ me and you to have a littleun'."

Robert's feels something swirl inside him, the thought of Aaron holding their baby makes everything settle inside him and he manages to smile a little. He's learnt not to think about what could have been whenever his mind drifts onto the subject of babies. All he wants is to see Aaron, Aaron holding their little baby and falling in love. That's all that matters now, Rebecca's baby would understand that right?

"You don't have to say yeah if you don't want one." Aaron says, tries not to bristle or take it to heart or forget the idea completely.

"I do." Robert says, gulps hard because his words scare him. "It's just -"

"Just what?" Aaron tries, edging closer but Robert's walls go up without a second thought and he just shrugs a little in response. "Just think about it then yeah?" He says, so soft and kind and soon he's combing through Robert's hair.

Robert thinks about it, he thinks until it's all he thinks about and he has dreams about being a family, having _that_ with his Aaron. That's how it should be, Robert tells himself, with the one you love most in the world, that's who you should raise your child with.

Not a woman from the past, a drunken fumble which was forgotten about almost instantly.

He tells Aaron over dinner, Liv's made something because she's adamant that cooking is going to be useful when she's at Uni, and Aaron nearly chokes as he hears Robert say it and has to ask him again.

"Say - say that again?" Aaron says, the vegetable in his mouth nearly falls out and he has to swallow it down hard.

Robert bites his lip, eyes darting. "I looked into a surrogate agency." He repeats, sees that Aaron's eyes have only widened.

"I didn't know you were on board with it." Aaron says, tries to gather his thoughts as he sits there.

Robert blinks. "Yeah I know." He pulls a hand towards Aaron. "I'm sorry, for being closed off about it." He admits before looking at Aaron. "I just wanted to be certain that we had a good chance and -"

The apprehension almost bursts out of Aaron and it warms Robert's heart in a way he didn't think was actually possible. "And what?" He says quickly, "Are we in with a shot or?"

Robert nods his head, finds tears in his eyes before he can think about brushing them away. "They want to see us." He says, happier than he thought he'd ever be about this. "Aaron they - they want to see us."

They're in a bubble, Aaron's arms are thrown around Robert's frame and he's doing that breathy laughing thing he does when he's too excited to speak. It's so rare, too rare and Robert welcomes it completely.

It's gentle, how they hold each other that night, they decide that Liv doesn't need to know yet because she'll only get ahead of herself and they can't be certain yet.

"I love you." Aaron says, a little tipsy and tired because he's had more cans than he should of had.

Robert pulls off his shirt, drags his trousers down and then slips into bed next to his husband. "Because we might have a baby?" He says, tries to almost laugh it off but then it buries itself right into his heart and he wonders if it's true.

Aaron shakes his head so hard it might fall off. " _No_ , because you're you and I always have done and -" he clings onto Robert's waist. "There's no one else in this whole universe who I'd want a family with."

Robert gulps, nods his head just a little. "Ditto." He says, sees that it's managed to be enough for Aaron to hear and his eyes go all soft before closing and he breaks out into a sleepy smile.

"We're going to be great." Aaron says gently against Robert's ear, attempting to wriggle into a comfortable spot on the bed. "I know it."

Robert's heart beats a little faster as he hears Aaron being so confident, it's so rare and he feels too proud for words.

He even allows himself to think he'll be great too, despite what _she_ said to him, what they all said.

They impress. Of course they do.

Aaron screams 'I Will Honour This Child And Protect It For My Whole Life' and it works. They adore him and Robert can't even try to be prouder.

He says all the right things too, at first he knows it sounds practised and then he tries to relax into it, knows that they won't try and catch him out or anything like that.

He hears Aaron speaking straight from the heart and he just wants to hug him.

"We uh - we _both_ had ah ... dysfunctional upbringings let's just say." Aaron clears his throat, knows that later down the line he might say more, they might have to know more. "It's why we know that, well we know how we would have wanted to raised, to be loved. I just - I want to love a kid, I want to raise one and give them everything they could ever want."

Robert's almost in awe, "Within reason mind." He hears the lady laugh, her name is Ada and she looks the part too, kind and considerate and like she really wants to help if she can. "I just want us to have a family, well I mean add to it because - I mean we have Liv already and -"

Aaron has a hand on his and he smiles, tries to settle himself.

"We just really want this." Robert finds himself saying, ignores the irony behind his words and the way a year ago the idea of a baby made his skin crawl, the idea of _her_ baby.

It's not the same now.

 

~

 

  
It's a slow process, naturally and soon the tables turn. It's Aaron who's unsteady, unsure, doesn't think he's good enough or that he deserves to have a baby. It breaks Robert's heart, makes his whole body ache as he crouches down beside his husband and tries to be reassuring.

"There could be a million other reasons why they haven't matched us yet." He tries to say, Aaron shaking beneath him and trying not to cry even more.

Aaron's all nerves, feels like the world is falling apart around him because everything has stalled since he was open about his past and his upbringing. "They might think I'm damaged, you know, no good to care for -"

"You're going to be the best daddy." Robert blurts out, it seems child like but then Aaron's looking at him, latching onto his words like he needs to hear them desperately. "I - I only managed to get used to the idea about, you know," he can't say _her_ name, her baby's premature name either, just gulps hard. "Because I had you, because of how amazing you are."

Aaron shudders, feels the weight of it all and then sniffs. "Well you have to say that, you married this idiot." He says, points to himself and tries to lighten his mind, not drag Robert down with him, not pull Robert away from the lightness he has been in recently.

Robert's nose crinkles and then his eyes start to almost glimmer. "Well yeah that's a point but -" he bites his lip and then drags a hand softly over Aaron's face. "But it's still true, and I love you so ..."

Aaron kisses him then, softly like he doesn't want to get carried away, just wants to stay in the moment for a little while longer. "What if it doesn't happen? What if we don't get to have that?"

Robert looks away and then he looks back, he's grown stronger, thoughts are brighter now and he knows that the past is the past for a reason, that he deserves a child just as much as anyone else. "We will." He whispers, kisses at Aaron's knuckles. "We'll find a way." He adds, then finds Aaron's arms around him tightly.

They wait a few more months, things slow down and make room for bitterness to seep through. It's not Robert though, it's Aaron. It's Aaron who can't bare to see anyone else hold a child, it's Aaron who mumbles things when he's angry which go too far, it's Aaron who blames Robert for it all when he's too drunk to hold it back.

"Maybe this is 'cause of _you_." He slurs one night, staggering just a little and a fucking bottle of whiskey in his right hand. Robert looks like he can't breathe, face reddening and this flash of pain across his eyes. "You've chucked aside every chance of a kid and now you can't have any you _really_ want."

It shouldn't sting, it shouldn't ache as much as it does because Robert knows that Aaron's words are always bitter and venomous when he's had too much to drink, when he's got too many dark thoughts in his head and it's a 'bad day' but - he hits below the belt and it hurts more than he can imagine.

"Piss off." Robert says, it's all in his voice, how tired he is, how much it hurt and suddenly all he sees is Rebecca's baby. "You have no fucking idea so just piss off."

They make up, it's what they do and Aaron cries, frustration and sadness pouring out of his eyes and then he kisses Robert in hope it's enough for it all to be over. Robert pretends it is.

He pretends until he doesn't have to, in the end he barely remembers the insults, Aaron's softness heals his heart again. And then so does the acceptance.

They pass the first stage, and then the second until they're meeting a woman with a kind face. Her name's Lily, she's beautiful and Robert wants to tell her, bubbling excitement for what could be suddenly fills him again and then it dies.

She's talkative, let's slip that she has a son of her own. Little Ollie. Oliver.

Robert physically recoils at her words, it was what would have been _her_ baby's name and only he knows about that. It's why Aaron just smiles, says it's a lovely name and everything goes back to normal.

Robert pushes though the memory because - he's good at doing that now, he's good at rationalising his feelings and placing them in order of importance.

He knows that this meeting, this important meeting is the thing which matters most. Rebecca's baby is at the bottom of the list (where it should be)

Victoria finds out, of course she finds out, and she cries with happinesses. She tells them her boy Liam will have a cousin and Aaron doesn't even tell her to keep it to herself. It seems like, he's just that happy that thoughts about it being too soon to celebrate won't even enter his mind. There's no room for that, no room in his smile and his laugh and his heart.

Robert holds it all in his chest, all the apprehension and worry and the massive K word seems to haunt his dreams for weeks still.

Karma. It won't work because well, Karma.

It does though, on their second try, after all that disappointment the first time round. The sadness which followed them round for weeks seems to lose them and they build themselves up again.

They _try_ again and - it works.

"You mean, you mean you're -" Robert can't quite believe it, feels something in his chest swell as Lily nods, cuts him off and produces a pregnancy test.

It's confirmation and it's happiness and it's _enough_.

Aaron cries, of course he cries and then he hugs Lily as Robert sits there, absorbs it all. He's waiting for himself to hit the ground but he doesn't, he's still floating and the moment is nearly passing him by.

"Robert?" Aaron says, a watery grin on his face and eyes sparkling with tears.

Robert stands then, mouth open and tongue dry but he manages to crash his body against Aaron, press his face against his husband's chest.

"Me and you eh?" He says, suddenly realising that he's shaking in Aaron's grip. "Dads. We're going to be -"

Lily smiles, "Glad you've figured that out Rob." She laughs and then he does, he doesn't stop laughing and smiling.

Robert quickly realises he's never been happier by the time they attend the first scan, by the time his little blob of a human is right in front of his eyes for him to wonder at.

"Look at him." Aaron says, mouth open, face nearly pressed against the monitor in amazement.

Robert shakes his head softly and then frowns. "Him?" He says, "How do ya know that then Mr Sugden?" He's playful and it's light and he wants it to last.

Aaron peels his eyes away from the screen, blushes a little and turns red. "Dunno, just instinct I guess. Why, you think it's a girl?" He says, nose turned up just a little in confusion.

Robert finds himself nodding, he does, he closes his eyes and sees Aaron struggling to build a dolls house in the spare room. "Yeah, I do."

Aaron smiles down at Lily, "Yeah but uh, I'm always right so ..." he laughs and Robert doesn't disagree.

They show Liv, well she finds it, the little picture of their little baby has pride of place on their fridge. She only notices it when she gets hungry and then she manages to drop the packet of biscuits all out on the floor.

Robert's too happy to even tell her off for getting it all over the wooden floor. Instead he smiles at her, watches her eyes brighten.

"Is that a baby?" Liv says, looks completely overwhelmed.

Aaron stands by her, nods his head and then kisses hers. "Not just any baby." He says, watches her face and tries to get a reaction out of her. "Ours."

Liv looks like she's going to burst and then she hugs her brother, she knew, she knew they were trying because she's not daft and she heard the crying and the frustration at night. That was hard to ignore.

"You happy?" Robert asks and then Liv's looking at him differently, like something has clicked in her mind and she's linking this to - Ollie.

"Course I am." Liv says quickly, she cried when Rebecca lost him, it felt like a punch to her gut when she heard. "I can boss them around all I want." She shrugs and then Robert is hugging her, telling her that's the spirit.

They stay happy, it lasts. It really does.

Chas is over the moon, pops open a bottle of champagne and practically begs Aaron for a copy of the scan, he rolls his eyes and then pulls one out willingly because of course he asked for more than he needed. 

There's one for his wallet, one for Robert's too, and one for the portcabin, and Vic wants one to show little Liam and -

"Me too." Aaron turns, eyes widening as he spots Paddy standing there with a nervous smile on his face and his eyes on Robert and Aaron. "Need one for the fridge, you know for ah, not _for_ the fridge but to put - put _on_ the fridge for -"

Robert feels his chest tighten a little, a hand slowly comes across Aaron's shoulder and he reaches down until he's holding one of the scan pictures in his hand, then giving it straight to Paddy.

"You up for nappy duty?" Robert says, there's still an air of something between them, something which he realised a long time ago can never truly be fixed. But he respects him, because Paddy picked him up when he was blinded by a horrible grief about Rebecca's baby and he helped him go on.

He became someone Robert could talk to, someone who was there and that has changed everything between them, made the tension ease, settle despite the fact that Paddy will never forgive him for the way he hurt his boy.

"Uh yeah, _yes_." Paddy says, sees Aaron's face and then has a hand flying up in the air. "That was eager, sorry uh - yeah I am. I mean, of course I want to be involved."

Aaron smiles at that, feels that Robert has his hand on his shoulders and is almost rubbing them as they stand there in the pub. He doesn't even care if anyone is looking, he even tilts back a little on his feet so he can relax into the almost massage. "You better be, honouree granddad ain't ya?" He says, feels almost a lump in his throat at his words.

Something flickers across Paddy's face, joy, almost surprise and Aaron relishes in the happiness their baby is bringing to everyone who loves them.

He thinks about it as Lily visits the house, shows them her growing bump and lets Aaron feel at her belly like everyone does when they see a pregnant woman walking around.

Robert's more hesitant, feels like he has to keep asking if it's okay and then Aaron's telling him that his son is in their (because he's so convinced it's a boy despite Robert's ideas) and Robert feels able to. He touches and doesn't want to let go again, he's almost overwhelmed by the emotion he feels for the baby growing inside Lily. 

Suddenly, almost without warning, he's in love with a child he can call his own, and that's good, and pure and nothing can stop the feeling.

Nothing stops it. Nothing.

It just grows, day by day, hour by hour and soon their baby is all he can focus on, think about.

"You do know that we have to put child locks on everything." Robert says, then pales a little. "Shit Aaron, the staircase."

It's a danger, he feels himself become agitated and scared.

"We have time." Aaron says, kisses Robert's temple because it's nearly midnight and Robert won't stop. "I'm sure the baby won't suddenly know how to walk when they're first born eh."

Robert smiles, it feels like an ocean wave hits him with force and then it pulls away again, leaves Robert feeling light.

 

~

 

Aaron watches him, eyes wandering over Robert's chosen outfit for painting the spare room.

He's got a pair of jean dungarees on, pale blue shirt underneath and a smear of yellow paint spread across his right cheek. He's hair is flat against his forehead, window pushed wide open and a breeze flowing through the room which makes heat on Robert's face die down a little. He looks gorgeous, Aaron knows that, anyone in their right mind would know that, but Robert doesn't, he knows that Robert probably thinks he's never looked so bad in his whole life.

That's why he arches an eyebrow when he sees Aaron standing by the door, some old washed up recorder in his husband's hand suddenly.

"Pick up a paint brush and turn that thing off." Robert mumbles, paintbrush sliding across the edge of the wall and then being placed down delicately on the paint lid.

Aaron comes closer, still recording and smiling as he turns the recorder further towards Robert. "You want to tell us what you're doing Mr. Dingle?" He asks, teasing because he knows Robert just wants to get the room done so he can take his clothes off and jump in the shower, preferably with Aaron.

Robert sighs, turns slowly towards Aaron and then points to the wall. "Painting it yellow because _you_ won't believe we're having a little girl and not a boy." He says, quickly loosens up and has a smile on his face once he's finished talking.

"Uh well when _he_ arrives I'll let him know he couldn't have a blue room 'cause his daddy was convinced he was going to be _girl_ and we had to compromise." Aaron laughs, has to stop talking because Robert's suddenly waving around a paintbrush and threatening to do some damage. "Down, no - put that down Rob, Robert put it -"

Paint goes everywhere, except the walls and they get carried away, twice, before its finished and they spend the night marvelling at their joint work, holding hands and deciding that they'll keep the gender a surprise, just for fun. 

"Agreed." Aaron says, has a hand throw Robert's hair as they lay on the soft carpet in the spare room, nothing but a tin of paint there beside them, "As long as they're healthy then - then I don't give a toss really." He says, kisses at Robert's head.

Robert gulps, nods his head and then smiles at Aaron. "Names though? I mean I know we've got the famous Dingle bible out and all that but we hardly decided did we?"

Aaron groans, "You're right." He's silent for a few seconds. "I like Matthew." He declares, a hand stroking Robert's arm softly. "Nice and traditional, or maybe Luke." He says, finds himself mulling it over.

Robert sighs, "Fine then, but if it's a girl, which it will be, I choose." He says and Aaron agrees, albeit reluctantly, with a small smile on his face which makes Robert's heart melt. "I love you." He says, so simply yet with so much honesty that it all just pours out of him.

Aaron's even a little startled by it but he moved past it and nods. "Love you too." He says, "And so will our little one."

_She'll love you. She'll love you and you'll love her and you'll deserve it._

It's a mantra, it's a mantra up until Lily's calling in the middle of the night and Robert's in a daze, kicking at Aaron's legs and trying to coax him out of his sleep. It works, after a few tries and Aaron's pushing his head up from his pillow and blinking over again. For a few seconds he is genuinely confused and then - 

"Is it actually happening?" Aaron asks, all soft haired and sleepy and gazing up at Robert who is tugging on jeans and nodding his head wildly.

Aaron practically jumps out of bed in time to hear Robert tell him her waters have broken and he can't help himself, he's already worrying and feels sick. "But - it's not the due date yet." 

Robert freezes, hands falling on Aaron's face and breath a little all over the place as he speaks. "Only two days early. She can't wait to see us." He says, shaky hands start to calm as he thinks about her being home with them, her being in his arms.

Aaron has tears in his eyes as he nods and then rolls his eyes. "He." He corrects, nudging at Robert before pulling on his own pair of jeans and looking towards the door when Liv is stood.

"Is Lily and the baby okay?" She asks, worry in her voice as she rubs at her eyes.

Aaron nods, "More than okay, I mean - she's in labor so maybe not all okay but you know what I mean." He says before watching her break into a smile. "Look, I'm going to ring mum yeah? She can come round and you can go back to sleep."

Robert hears Liv scoff and his heart melts a little as she explains herself. "You think I can sleep now? I'm going to be an auntie soon."

Robert bites down on his lip, a hand patting down on his hair and he remembers all those conversations he had with Liv about him being a dad, she said it was funny when she thought about it but then - then she said he'd be great and Robert's heart melted. Then she said that he'd get this right and he'd deserve to have a kid to keep under control for years and years, and he grinned at her, and her loved her a little more.

"And you're going to be _dads_." Liv adds, feels a blush in her cheeks as she stands by the door and then sees her brother's eyes sparkle a little. Then he's eyes are widening and going mad about not having the car seat ready for Robert's car and all hell breaks loose until Robert's successful stuck it in the right way and Aaron can stop swearing so loudly at three in the morning.

"Ready?" Robert says, hands on the wheel as he looks over at Aaron beside him, Chas is by the window, hugging Liv close and Robert feels his heart tingle as he thinks about what she said before they left. 

'Come back with my little grandkid yeah?'

"No. You?" Aaron says, all nerves, shaky leg, head spinning and then Robert calms him by simply squeezing his hand.

"Everything is going to be _fine_." Robert promises, brings Aaron's hand up to his face and kisses it gently. "Because we're leaving there with our own little baby, and nothing bad is going to happen. 

'This time' seems to hang in the air but Aaron misses it and Robert is thankful.

He's thankful that Aaron's mind is elsewhere and he isn't plagued with the image of Rebecca in his mind all over again.

He suddenly hates himself, suddenly wants to stop the car and start screaming his lungs out because 'why now? Why is she showing her face in his mind, now?' Robert thinks. He can't stop thinking about it as they park the car, as Aaron's tugging at his hand and pulling him through the hospital. She's there, she's crying and telling him that he's ruined her life because the baby is gone, he's dead and they said it was because of stress.

They actually said that and of course Robert knew what that meant, of course he knew that him trying to drive her out of the village for the best part of a month caused her stress, he knew the constant cornering and the money thrown her way to make her leave caused her stress and - he didn't stop himself, not until it was too late and she was -

"Rob, this way." Aaron says, still holding Robert's hand, face puffy and worried as he tries to find the way towards Lily.

They hear her before they see her and Robert is suddenly filled with dread, he's practically horrified and his feet stick to the ground like glue as Aaron pushes through the door and explains who he is and holds her hand. It hurts that Aaron doesn't even notice Robert hasn't followed him, it hurts that it takes more than three minutes for Aaron to look up and tilt his head and try to tell Robert to come inside.

He can't though, physically, because Aaron jumped the gun, nominated himself as a birthing partner without meaning to and suddenly he's being pulled into something blue around his waist and he's panicking. Robert just stands there, face pressed against the glass until the curtains close and he can't breathe right. He can't think of anything other than the fact that he's being shut out and he deserves it because he took his little boy away from this world, he took Ollie away and this is exactly what he deserves.

He's been kidding himself, he thinks, by trying to convince himself for months that he had the right to be excited and feel happy about being a father. It was all a lie, all a massive lie.

Somehow he manages to breathe again, he's sitting on the floor of the hospital and he doesn't remember anything until a nurse is touching his shoulder and telling him that he's being asked after.

It's a bit of a daze, Robert's heart is beating out of his chest because he is pretty sure he blacked out or shut himself off or - something. When he looks towards the room he sees Aaron standing there, he's still wearing a blue cover round his frame but his eyes are gleaming with tears. Instead of waving his arms around like he was before, they are still and he is looking down at a little person in his arms, a little person who he is clearly besotted with more than anything else in this whole world.

Lily's there too, she looks exhausted but she smiles, she actually manages to smile and then Aaron's looking up, tears falling down his face as his eyes meet Robert's. 

"Oh Robert, Robert you were right, for once." Aaron blurts out, chin wobbling as he gently strokes at the baby's head and then looks back at Robert, "We've got a little girl of our own." He says, feels like his whole world has just been completed as he rocks her a little in his arms.

Robert can't understand, he doesn't know why his heart rate stays the same, or why he isn't crying, or why he isn't wanting to  try -

"Come here then." Aaron laughs out breathlessly and Robert has to move closer, he has to doesn't he?

He does, he finds his feet shuffling towards Aaron and he sees how perfectly slotted she is in Aaron's arms, she looks like she doesn't want to leave him and he gulps hard as Aaron starts to wriggle her away from him. "Come and say hello to your daddy eh?" He says, does this adorable thing where he curls his finger round her cheek and then kisses her head.

Suddenly Robert feels the weight of her in his arms and he doesn't know what to say, she's so small, so soft and dependent and yet nothing stirs inside Robert's chest. It's scary, the way he can look down at this little wonder, see her blinking quickly and gaze at her dusty blond hair, so sparse and delicate and -

He can't cry, he can't even muster up a feeling of love for her and it's the most heartbreaking moment of his whole life because all he wants is to know how to feel, all he wants is to radiate the glow Aaron has about him but he can't. He just _can't_.

"She's all yours." Lily yawns, shuffles a little on the bed and Aaron laughs a little, presses his head against Robert's shoulder and groans playfully.

"You think she's worth keeping?" Aaron asks Robert, sees that his husband can't stop staring down at her in awe and his heart bursts. Robert raises his head finally, frowns because he hasn't heard a word and then Aaron's repeating himself, making Robert's head feel fuzzy.

"Yeah." Robert whispers, something kicks in, just something and he has to hold onto it for dear life. It feels like he's chasing a butterfly or something, it's flying ahead and he keeps clapping his hands together and trying to catch it but he keeps missing. The thrill of the run though is enough to make him smile, it's enough to make him kiss her head and feel _something_. It's better than feeling nothing at all he thinks.

Robert loses the feeling of calm he once felt when she was in his arms. He feels this dread running through him as everything seems to fade and a hollowness takes over his heart as he sees her look up at him.

She has his eyes, it should make his heart swell with joy but it doesn't, instead he looks away from her and then Aaron's taking her from his arms and his face is lighting up again. He looks so at home with her, looks like his arms were made just to hold his daughter and Robert suddenly resents his own husband for having that, for _feeling_ that when he can't. 

They're laying in bed, after the journey home, and Robert just wants to sleep. There's nothing wrong with her at all, no breathing difficulties, no dodgy lungs, just one 'fit and healthy little girl' the nurses kept saying.

Aaron has placed her in the middle of them, after managing to prize her away from Chas and Liv. Robert remembers the way they called her beautiful, they way a burst of pride seemed to rise in his chest and then it died away again and he sunk back into himself until they left.

Aaron's blinking like mad, it's obvious that he's tired, he can hardly keep his eyes open but he doesn't care about losing sleep. He just keeps kissing their daughter's head and Robert wonders if his husband can tell he's holding back. He wishes he can't, he wishes that Aaron will never know exactly how he felt when he was first handed his daughter - nothing.

"She's so tiny." Aaron yawns, starts dancing his fingers on her little stomach and smiling as she breathes in and out.

Robert doesn't know what to say so he nods, then he looks at her, admires how right Aaron is and suddenly an image of her falling from his arms makes him feel sick and he has to shut his eyes quickly. When he opens them again, Aaron is stroking over her hair and smiling sleepily.

"She's got my eyes." Robert whispers, doesn't know if he should say anything but it just pours out of him without thought. Aaron looks down at her, and almost on cue her eyes are opening wider and Aaron's got a hand over his mouth.

"Just like daddy eh?" He says, lightly taping her nose and then yawning again.

"It's not a crime to fall asleep you know, she's not going anywhere." Robert says, wonders if he sounds too forceful as he speaks.

Aaron frowns, "We can't fall asleep on her first night home," he says like it's obvious. "We'd be the worst dads in the world if we did." It sounds like it's meant to be a joke but Robert still takes in a sharp breath because he realises that's what he is. All he wants to do is sleep, not lay awake looking at the same face and watching her breathe. He's the worst father in the world.

It makes him cry, it makes his heart twist as he lays there and watches the sun rise and he sees that Aaron's fallen asleep, a hand thrown over their daughter's frame almost like he needed to know she wasn't going anywhere.

He cries, head up towards the ceiling, hand covering his mouth. He cries because everything is wrong, he cries because there's no control over how empty he feels and it's frightening. He cries until Aaron's waking up and frowning and asking what's wrong. He has to lie.

"What's wrong, is she okay?" Aaron says and Robert hates how she's his main concern, that all Aaron's worried about is their little girl and not him, not _them_.

Robert nods slowly, places a hand on her chest and then looks at Aaron. "She's fine." He reassures and then he looks away as he hears Aaron ask what's wrong again. "Nothing, honestly nothing." He says quickly.

Aaron squints, for the first time it seems like Robert has his full attention. "I know you Sugden." He says, voice hoarse and eyes red. Then he looks almost crestfallen. "You are ... happy aren't you?" He hasn't even asked, didn't think he'd need to.

Robert holds his breath, wonders how long it would take for him to stop breathing altogether and then he nods. "Of course I am." He says, eyes darting just a little and then he's gulping hard. "Just - it's overwhelming, just a little." He says, head bent.

Aaron yawns, has a hand over Robert's face. "I know." He whispers. "Can't believe she's here, so soon." He's not prepared for any of it, but who is?

Robert nods again, "We're going to be good aren't we?" His voice breaks just a little because he's so unsteady, so unsure and he needs Aaron in a way he never has before.

"Yeah." Aaron replies softly, "I know it's going to be hard, and I'll probably do your head in but -" Robert laughs a little. "We'll be the best we can be yeah?"

Robert needs to hear it, feels tears glisten his eyes and then he looks down at their baby who's wriggling a little and has her eyes open wide. She really is beautiful. He knows that, he _feels_ that because it's true.

He feels himself become lost in her eyes, the way she seems to completely grab at his heart and hold it in her little hands. It's magical and he feels _something_ float round in his mind, it's love, it's love for her isn't it? He can't help but be relieved, he can't believe that the feeling has finally arrived and has taken so long but that doesn't matter now. He knows he loves her.

So why does it still hurt? Robert says to himself before physically turning away from his own daughter with an ease which shouldn't be there.

 


	2. Chapter two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is especially triggering and is really the main bulk of it all so please strap in and be ready to cry

  
"Rob? Go on then, what name?" It seems like Aaron's already asked the question and Robert blushes a little because he'd completely missed it.

Robert bites down on his lip, his head spins a little because he's not sure. "Names? We've only just got her home." He says, doesn't know what else to say because suddenly the pressure of naming her is enough to make his hands clammy.

Aaron looks too tired to say anything else and nods his head at Robert. "Your call." He says, waves a hand out and then his eyes are shutting just as their baby's eyes are slowly shutting too.

They're almost in sync. Robert thinks about it as he lays awake, knows that he has to make sure she is okay, that she stays alive, he can't afford to go to sleep. He can't.

When he wakes the next morning he thinks it's not real, he thinks that the baby in between him and his husband is just a part of his imagination.

But then she starts wriggling and then she starts crying and won't stop and - he knows that she's real.

"Oh I know, I know." Aaron's genuinely a natural with her, manages to gently rock her in his arms and kiss her head and look around the room for a blanket to wrap around her little body. Robert just stands there, almost in awe as he watches Aaron multi task. He looks like a zombie, clearly tired yet he pushes through it because he has to, because their daughter simply needs him.

Robert still just stands there, useless.

 

~

 

Adam and Vic come round with Liam, he almost looks like he wants to squeeze the life out of his baby cousin and it makes Robert smile just a little. But he realises that he's almost being forgotten about as Aaron holds her on the sofa and Vic starts making all those noises that adults seem to make around babies, all high pitched and squeaky.

Robert manages to back away towards the kitchen, he manages to hide there and start washing up plates and cutlery. He wills himself to be in charge of her bottles, at least he can do that. It's a logical thing, twisting the lid, tasting the powdery substance once it's mixed together properly. He shakes it once, then twice and then does the same process again and again until he feels Aaron standing in the kitchen with him.

He looks confused and Robert turns to stare at him. The baby isn't in his arms any longer and panic rises in Robert's chest at the thought of her with anyone other than Aaron, other than the only person who can keep her safe and loved.

"Where's -" Robert says quickly and Aaron tells him that Vic won't let her go. It's odd, Robert thinks, he can't bare the thought of getting anything wrong with her, has bouts of love and adoration and then nothing, but now even the thought of her away from him, from _them_ is enough to make his heart start beating that little bit faster.

That's a good sign, it must be. He _does_ feel something for her, he wants to protect her.

"What ya doing in here all on your own?" Aaron asks, hands tapping on the counter and his tiredness visible.

Robert opens the fridge and shows Aaron the line of ready made bottles with a small smirk. "Just getting ahead of the game." He says, tries acting lightly and like he isn't still feeling strange inside about what they have now, _who_ they have.

Aaron smiles and then comes closer, "I think she just needs her daddy right now." He says and Robert cowers his head a little.

"Oh right, sorry. You go back and I'll tidy up in here -" Robert's cut off by the way Aaron looks at him.

"I meant _you_." Aaron says, blinking again and again and something horrible growing in his chest. "Rob is there something -"

She cries, she starts really crying and Robert's grateful, wonders how many times she'll save him like that in the future.

 

~

 

He can't even change her nappy, his hands turn to jelly and Aaron laughs beside him, kisses his cheek as he shows him how and where to fold down.

Robert feels useless but Aaron finds it funny, as if it's nothing serious.

"Good thing you're a fast learner eh?" Aaron whispers, looks down at their baby and puts on his high pitched voice. "Isn't daddy a fast learner, yes he is, very fast."

Robert's in awe of him and he wants to kiss him hard and smother him with love but then he's being handed another nappy and he's making the same mistake and then finding out where he went wrong, putting it right.

He's proud as he holds her up, almost triumphant as the nappy doesn't slide off her little body.

"Thank you." Robert says to Aaron after he hears his husband say ' _daddy's a hero!_ ' towards their little girl. "For showing me -"

Aaron kisses him, soft and slow and then his eyes sparkle as he moves away. "Love you."

He says it a lot now, means it more than Robert will ever know. Maybe more than Robert can ever handle knowing.

 

~ 

 

  
Aaron wants to name her, it's the first thing the villagers start asking when they see her sleeping in her little pram, a dusty cream one with a soft pink blanket thrown over her. But Robert knows that it falls on his shoulders, because that was the deal. When he wasn't feeling like this, depressed, low, almost broken, he said he'd name the baby if it was a girl. He was an idiot for saying that, he thinks, a stupid fool for thinking he could make such decisions about such a precious life.

"Go on then." Aaron says, head on Robert's shoulder as they stand on the kitchen. They haven't slept for three days straight. Robert almost can't, every time his eyes close he is faced with these nightmares, so vivid, so life like and he has to shake himself and pinch down hard on his skin to make sure that it's not really happening.

It's always involving Aaron, and the baby, and they're always being hurt, they're always falling and slipping from his grip and all he can do is scream as they disappear from his sight.

It's why he's more than irritable when Aaron decides to ask him about names again, for the hundredth time, when he's practically dead on his feet and Liv is holding her on the sofa although she probably should be asleep.

"Dunno Aaron." Robert mumbles, a hand over his face as he watches Aaron fumbling with the bottle.

"You don't know? What do you mean? You must have _some_ idea." Aaron twists too hard and milk pours out onto the counter. 

It's so sudden that Robert doesn't even have time to stop himself, he's just shouting and screaming for no reason.

He doesn't even stop when the baby cries, and that scares him more than anything else.

He blinks, once, twice and then -

When he opens his eyes he sees that Liv looks horrified, her face is red and blotchy and Aaron's standing exactly in the same spot, tears filling his eyes over and over again.

"Aaron," Robert steps forward, shaky hands begin to move up to his face. "Aaron I'm sorry." He says, then turns to Liv and the baby. "Liv go put her down for us yeah?" He tries but she still doesn't move, not until Aaron tells her to.

Aaron feels his heart racing, beating out of his chest and he's scared suddenly. "What just happened?" He says softly, "You just flipped out." He says, a little louder.

Robert nods quickly. "I'm just tired Aaron, I'm so sorry, I'm just tired."

Aaron searches his eyes, scans Robert and then frowns. "Yeah so am I. We've got a little girl to look after though."

Robert scrunches his face up, "I know, I know, I'm doing it wrong I know." He says, shaky hands start to come up and hit his head. "Stupid, I'm so sorry." He's almost desperate as he speaks but then Aaron's closer, he's kissing his forehead.

"No you're not," Aaron whispers, "You're doing amazing. You are." He gently raises Robert's head and Robert doesn't understand how Aaron can't see how useless he is. It's written all over his face but Aaron just - he looks past it and kisses him. Even after he freaked out, made their daughter cry and Liv look almost horrified by him as if he was some sort of monster for her to fear. That shook him, it really did.

"I'm not Aaron, I'm not." Robert feels himself start to crumble and fall and his insides churn because he's on the edge, he's so close to admit something, to telling Aaron that his messed up, that everything is and he doesn't feel the way he does but -

Something stops him, something awful builds up inside him and he can't bare the look on Aaron's face anymore so he gives in, agrees to go up to bed with Aaron and kiss their baby's head as she tries to sleep. He'll apologise to Liv too, he'll mean it, feels awful for how concerned she looked.

They're half way up the stairs when something kicks in and he feels this need to say a name, a name which he dreamt of when they saw their baby on the first scan. He had a name in his mind back then, one he kept hidden away but now he remembers it and -

"Annie." He says, it dances off his tongue and he's actually proud of himself for saying it aloud.

Something warm spreads across Aaron's face and he's never looked like this before, his chest rise and falls and Robert looks away.

"You hate it?" He says, feels too insecure, wants to forget he ever mentioned anything.

But then Aaron's kissing him, they haven't kissed like this in days and it's clear that they're too tired to let their hands wander but it's enough. "I love it. I love you."

"You love it?" Something tells Robert not to trust Aaron for a few seconds.

Aaron nods, hands rub Robert's arms slowly. "Little Annie." He says slowly and it feels soft in his mouth. He loves it.

"Yeah, little Annie." Robert echoes and then Aaron's throwing his arms around his neck and Robert is burying his head into Aaron's chest. He says sorry again and Aaron says it doesn't matter and they go up to bed, kiss their little Annie goodnight and know she'll be up soon.

She is, she's up and she's crying and Robert wills himself to go and do something about it because Aaron's being amazing and he's being awful about all of this.

He tiptoes across the landing and suddenly he's in the room, her room, her room with all the soft furniture and cuddly toys and warm lights.

She's still crying when he picks her up, he hates himself and the way he tenses as he holds her close and rocks her slowly. He wants it to be easy, wants to feel like he isn't doing anything wrong as she carries on crying but, it's hard. It's too hard.

"Hey," Robert whispers, presses a kiss to her cheek. "You going to be good for daddy and me aren't you girl?" He steadies himself, "Because I need you to be."

She starts becoming tired of her own tears and wriggles a little. It seems almost like she's stopped herself _for_ him.

"I do love you." Robert pushes out, kisses her head. "Because you're my girl, and I promise you, no one will ever ever hurt you."

It's a way of saying he won't hurt her, that he'll always keep her safe from harm, he'll always be there. Even though he can't seem to love her the way everyone else can just yet. Even though when she's in his arms he doesn't tingle or feel the need to smile at her in amazement.

His feelings aren't instant, they're growing, forming over time. He's learning to love her in his own way and knows that if he tells anyone how he feels they'll think he's a monster. What sort of man doesn't love their daughter from the first time they set their eyes on her?

Him, apparently, Robert Jacob Sugden. He can only have bouts of love and then it goes.

He can't help the feeling, it won't go away. It just festers in his brain and he becomes more and more irritable and tired and angry at himself.

Aaron almost glows with the feeling of a baby in his arms, so does Liv and Vic, but Robert doesn't.

He decides it's a problem when they gave Annie her first bath and he starts thinking deeply.

Aaron's already checked it's okay, the temperature that is, elbow in to test how hot it is. Robert just blinked at him as he did it. He didn't even _think_ about doing that, the thought never crossed his mind despite all those books he'd read in the run up to her being born. All that knowledge seems to have disappeared from his memory and all he can do is kneel down and watch Aaron carefully place her in the birth.

Suddenly, so suddenly, his heart starts beating out of his chest and he imagines Aaron's hands slipping, their daughter falling back into the water and -

"Be careful." Robert almost barks and Aaron looks at him, confused and a little hurt.

"Don't you trust me?"

That hurts, makes Robert look away.

"Of course I do. I just - you know, her head, she might -" Robert can't stop thinking terrible thoughts about her being hurt. He's supposed to keep her safe isn't he? He's going to fail.

Aaron rolls his eyes and Robert feels awful for ruining what should be a monumental moment in their lives with her. He apologises and Aaron says it doesn't matter.

Robert knows it does, tries to ignore how much it does by looking at Annie and how wide her eyes are as Aaron slowly soaks a sponge with water and presses it down softly on her little stomach.

"Here, you hold her back for a sec." Aaron says, slowly shuffling a little and then suddenly Robert's supporting her fully as Aaron dries his hands and goes to get some soap to rub over her.

It just takes a second for it all to kick in. Robert's holding her and she's opening and closing her mouth and wriggling about and he wants to call her beautiful, and then the next second this fear is kicking in and he thinks his hands are too wet, that he's going to drop her without meaning to, that he's going to hurt her if Aaron doesn't come back soon.

"Aaron," Robert shouts, too loud, too filled with fright and it takes seconds for Aaron to be by the door. There's nothing wrong with her though, nothing and Robert feels awful for making Aaron look so worried. "Sorry, I - nothing." He gulps hard and then Aaron's kneeling next to him.

"You're doing great. You know that right?"

Robert feels like a fool, feels like he's a child who needs to be praised and who is desperate for a gold star on his work. He feels the pity in Aaron's words and he resents it completely.

So he ignores it, he blinks down at Annie and holds her tighter. "She's so important. She's so precious isn't she?"

It's an odd way to think Aaron hears himself saying, but then he nods and gulps down a strange feeling bubbling inside.

He gulps it down again when Robert starts talking about work a few days later. It's Robert's grand plan, he realises the only way he can properly get over these weird dark thoughts is if he is the one looking after her all the time. That way they'll bond won't they?

"Are you sure?" Aaron bites his lip, wonders if this is about the fact that the scrapyard isn't doing the best without him. "We could always just employ? For the time being."

Robert shakes his head, has Annie on his lap and is watching her breathe. He needs to make sure she's alright, hasn't slept for days because of it.

"That's too much hassle." He shakes his head and looks at Aaron. "Just a few hours a day, see the place is ticking over nicely and then you can come back home to us."

Aaron likes the sound of that and smiles. "What about the haulage -"

Robert rolls his eyes. "Nicola owes me, a lot." He thinks back to all those parent evenings and other children related excuses and he feels confident that she won't say anything at all.

"Okay." Aaron says, chews his lip because he's still a little unsure. 

Robert raises an eyebrow. "Okay?" He didn't expect Aaron to agree so quickly, he feels weird about how much Aaron seems to trust him.

He doesn't trust himself yet, he never has done.

When Aaron leaves it's good, they try and bond or whatever and Robert falls in love with her again for a few hours.

He watches her gurgle and then wrap her hand tightly around his with such a grip that it makes him laugh. He actually laughs and then he talks to her, he finds himself talking to her about it all.

"I want you to know I love you, deep down I do." He says, "Sometimes it just switches off though and I feel so bad about it but, it happens. I'm sorry." He suddenly feels the weight hit him, it's a crushing one and he suddenly can't hold her anymore.

He lets her down, let's her lay flat on a play mat and he doesn't even feel awful or guilty as she cries out for him, for _him_. It's troubling, makes Robert have to back himself away from her.

He's almost grateful when the phone starts ringing and it's a client. It gives him an excuse, makes him hurry himself away into the study. His study. He touches the wooden desk, it feels sturdy and normal and he grips hold of it whilst he talks about signing a deal and getting a larger production firm in partnership.

Soon he realises that it's easy to drown out her voice. It's easy to pretend that he can't hear her crying. It's easy to completely forget that she's a part of his life and that he has a daughter.

It's easy, just like it was with Rebecca's baby.

He only manages to break out of the torment when he hears Aaron screaming his name.

He's running up the stairs with Annie in his arms and he's never looked so angry as he sees Robert just sitting at his desk, staring back at him, not saying a word.

"I could hear her crying as I pulled up!" He screams, he's upsetting Annie and Robert suddenly can't bare that.

"Stop shouting." Robert whispers, attempts to take Annie from Aaron until he's calmed down a little.

Aaron's reaction kills him. He tightens his grip around their little girl and physically moves away from Robert, creating this gaping hole between them.

"You've just been up here? _Working_." Aaron can't quite believe it, feels his knuckles turn white as he holds Annie closer and tries not to shake as she cries against him. "You just _left her on her own_?" His voice breaks, tears pour out of his eyes and his stomach twists.

Robert hates how it sounds, feels sick to his stomach, feels like a failure, feels useless and pointless. "No. It wasn't like _that_." He tries to explain himself but he can't. He just can't. "I was - the phone rang and -"

"How long?" Aaron snaps, a hand rubbing up and down Annie's back. "How long did you leave our little girl alone for? What _client_ was so important that you let her to cry her eyes out for -"

"I don't know!" Robert screams, because he doesn't know at all, maybe ten minutes, maybe double that, it was all just a blur until he heard Aaron's voice pulling him back.

Aaron's face falls, suddenly he looks like he can't stand the sight of Robert and his eyes flicker. "You don't _know_." He says, deadly calm now.

Robert gulps hard, a hand runs through his hair and his hands begin to shake as Annie wriggles in Aaron's arms. She's probably hungry, or needs to be changed or -

Maybe she just wants him, maybe she just wants her daddy, the one who left her downstairs like she was just a little doll.

"Aaron -" Robert attempts to come close again and Aaron turns his back on him. "Don't be like this. It wasn't for long, I swear." 

Aaron opens the door, just ignores Robert until he's moving into their bedroom, he's still holding Annie, almost protectively. "It was long enough." He barks, suddenly pulling out Annie's small carrier bag and placing it on the bed.

Robert's heart drops, just _drops_ and he can't handle what he knows is happening. "Where, where are you going? Where are you taking -"

"Me mum's." Aaron says, sniffs softly as he starts packing things together with one shaky hand, the other stroking over Anni's back as she begins to become restless.

Robert shakes his head, "No." He says, moves in front of Aaron. "You can't just leave, you can't take her from me."

Aaron scowls at him. "You didn't care about being away from her when ya left her downstairs. I can't be around you right now." He says, "I'm taking her. Just - get out the way Rob."

Robert feels Aaron push him and he staggers back a little. Aaron's suddenly moving down the stairs, a bottle is tucked inside the yellow Winnie The Pooh bag and he's crying quietly to himself.

His head is spinning because of it all, Robert just left her like she was nothing. How could he even -

"Aaron, please." Robert didn't know he could ever feel this strongly about Annie but he does, he can't bare to be without her suddenly and he's sorry for ever turning away from her. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. It won't happen again, I swear it won't happen -"

Aaron pulls her bag over him and looks towards Robert, "Stop talking." He bites, "You've done enough."

Robert shudders. "Don't leave me all alone." He hates how his eyes become damp with tears and his face reddens, he's pleading, his hands come up and he's actually begging but Aaron just shakes his head.

Aaron just looks too hurt to see anything else and then he's out the door. He's taken Annie and Robert knows better than to try and run after them.

Instead he falls onto the sofa and sobs his heart out, there's no shame in it, it's an overdue emotional reaction to their little girl and everything she means to him. He carries on, holds her small bunny and presses it to his nose, it has her smell.

He holds it for hours, sits there alone in the house because Liv's away isn't she? He can hardly remember as he remains on the sofa, the sky darkening and his stomach growling. He can't even think about it eating though, he's not hungry, doesn't _feel_ anything which encourages him to go and make himself something.

Robert doesn't sleep, he can't. He has a message from Vic, a picture that Liam had drawn of Annie and his heart should melt but it doesn't. He doesn't even answer it, just stares at it and then tosses his phone aside. It's easy to lay awake without anyone their, it's easy to cry and hate himself and play the day over and over in his mind.

It had started so well, he was loving her and enjoying her and being happy with her and then -

Then he wasn't, then he was scared for her and wanted to run away and - maybe every dad felt like that sometimes, but none of them actually _did_.

No, dads stuck it out didn't they? They got by because they were strong, because they weren't weak. Robert was weak, always had been, always will be.

_'You don't get to have a happy life, you should know that by now. You took him, you ruined everything he could have been, and now you'll never see Annie again.'_

It's a thought which circles his mind over and over again.

It's there when the moon goes up, and then when it goes down and the sun rises.

It's there when there's the sound of a key in the lock and a bag being dropped.

It's there when he comes down the stairs and Aaron's standing there, Annie's on the sofa amongst her toys and he looks awful. Not as awful as Robert looks though, Aaron can see that just by staring at him and then he thinks back to what his mum said last night.

_'I bet he's beating himself up about it as we speak, c'mon, this is Robert isn't it? He'd do anything for that little girl, you know he would.'_

Robert has a hand through his hair, feels self conscious because Aaron's looking at him and he knows that his husband has noticed that he's wearing the same clothes as last night. Maybe Aaron's notices that he hasn't slept.

"I didn't think you'd come back." Robert's chin wobbles, he doesn't know what to think because Aaron's still so far away.

Aaron gulps, "Give me one reason why." He whispers, looks like he doesn't want to go anywhere, like he just wants to be happy.

Robert cautiously comes closer, "Because you're my family." He wonders if it's enough, then he looks at Annie and his heart breaks, he finds himself falling towards Aaron and then Aaron's holding him up. "I'm so sorry." He holds onto Aaron for dear life, can't bare the thought of ever letting him go, watching him leave.

Not ever again.

"I know." Aaron's voice is hoarse, he's been crying all night. "I know you are." He adds, looks at their daughter and feels his heart ache. He knows it was wrong of him, just taking her like that without hearing Robert out properly.

"Aaron," he takes a breath, realises that maybe he should tell his husband how empty he's been feeling, about how he was able to switch off Annie's needs because he just couldn't feel anything for her.

Aaron shakes his head. "You had a moment, you're sorry, it's fine." He wants to rationalise everything, focus his attention on Annie who is falling asleep.

Robert gulps, takes it as a sign. He shouldn't say anything he realises. Aaron kisses his head gently, comes closer towards him.

"Don't - just don't ever do that again okay?" Aaron's voice is filled with fear and Robert hates how scared he made him. He hates how Aaron had to run away with their baby for the night because he was that scared and worried and upset. He hates everything.

"Of course I won't." It slips out too quickly but Aaron doesn't seem to notice. Instead he slips a hand into Robert's and then looks towards Annie.

"Take her up." Aaron says, allows.

Robert nods, picks her little body up and stares at her as Aaron wanders into the kitchen.

"I'm so sorry angel." Robert whispers, presses a kiss to her nose and then he has tears in his eyes. "I missed you, I really did, I promise."

Her eyes suddenly start to flutter open as if she is telling him that she knows.

It warms his heart, he thinks they've bonded, he thinks that she's forgiven him but then she cries in his arms a few weeks later and it's so loud that Robert can't help the way he pushes her towards Aaron who is half asleep.

She settles with Aaron, of course she settles with Aaron and then he shouts at Robert, says something which questions what's wrong with him and Robert shakes his head, tells him that he needs to go see Vic.

He doesn't, he makes it up because he needs to be away from the house and all her things and the constant reminder that he's failing her in all the important ways.

He wonders if Vic can help, she can't though.

Liam's literally running circles around her when he comes through the door and he is quickly shoved on the sofa and told to keep an eye on Liam who has just discovered the joy of sliding on his knees. It makes Robert smile for a few seconds and then it fades.

It always seems to fade, every little happy memory just seems to fade.

"Everything alright?" Vic asks, a while later, Liam having a lie down in front of the television. She looks at her brother and arches an eyebrow knowingly, "You seem a little, I dunno -"

He's looking a lot paler recently, he's not eating normally, he eats when Aaron's around but that's about it. He's not sleeping either, he has to wait until Aaron's fast asleep before he walks into Annie's room and watches her sleep.

He's just petrified that she'll stop breathing or someone will take her. In the cold light of day he recognises how silly it sounds but when it's three in the morning all he can do is whisper soft thoughts to her and tell her he's trying his best.

The door goes and it's Aaron, he's got Annie with him and she's blinking quickly in his arms. "Rob, a word." Aaron says once Vic has Annie and he can call Robert into the hallway.

Aaron pinches his nose and then sighs, "Are you okay?" He asks and Robert hasn't been asked that in weeks, feels like he can't handle it.

"Where's that come from?" Robert says, has his back against the wall and looks down.

Aaron sighs, "Look she just wanted her blankie and I had it with me, that's why she stopped crying when you gave her to me." He saw the way Robert looked like he couldn't do anything for her, it hurt him.

Robert cringes at the way it sounds, how silly he actually had become over something as simple as that. He's convinced himself that Annie hates him, will always prefer the person who held her first and kissed her head first and spoke softly to her _first_.

"Yeah I know." Robert's eyes dart all over the place and Aaron looks at him, can't stop looking at him. He's lost weight, that's a giving, but Aaron can't help but notice how his face is pale and his eyes are almost vacant. He knows it's been hard, juggling Annie and work and everything else but -

"What?" Robert asks, knows that Aaron's trying to say something. "What, you think I can't cope?"

Aaron shakes his head. "Of course not." He says quickly and then his phone starts buzzing, it's Adam, they have a job on.

"Go, I'll be fine with her, I _am_ fine with her." Robert hates defending himself like this but it comes naturally when Aaron's this hesitant. 

"I know you are." Aaron rubs a hand over his face and then sighs as he comes closer to Robert. "I love you, I love ya." He says, means it as he sees that Robert seems elsewhere.

Robert smiles at that, kisses Aaron and then he hears Annie gurgling, it makes him panic as he realises that she's with Vic. "I should check she's alright." He says quickly and Aaron lets him go, tries not to worry about him.

He's having a nice time with her again, her grip is even tighter around his hand and he finds himself making animated faces at her as she looks at him with big eyes. She's changed so much, keeps changing, getting bigger, face fuller, cheeks brighter.

"You're a natural Rob." Victoria says, it's said in passing, a hand on his shoulder as she goes to make them another cuppa. When he looks up she's already gone and Robert has tears in his eyes, she'll never know how much that meant, Robert thinks to himself as he sits there gently stroking Annie's stomach and making her wriggle.

He isn't a natural, he's awful, he's terrible but maybe not everyone thinks he is.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

The thought plucks some sort of confidence in him and he goes round with Annie a few days later, he has her round his front and whilst he walks to Vic's he hears people fawning over her and it makes him blush with pride.

"She's getting so big." Vic says, takes her swiftly from Robert's arms and bounces Annie just a little.

Robert's not having the best of days, he had a horrible thought when he was getting her dressed, Annie becoming too hot and overheating and becoming short of breath and -

It made him leave her alone for a few minutes as he cried in the bathroom and felt awful for thinking such a thing. He couldn't even think about telling Aaron.

"How did you feel when Liam was born?" It just comes out, over lunch, he picks at his food and then gives up trying, feeds Annie her bottle instead.

Victoria blinks, tilts her head and smiles. "Elated, tired, happy, really tired." She says, tying her hair in a pony tail and then looking at Robert. "Why?"

Robert bites down on his lip. "Just wondering." He says, lies. He doesn't even know what he was expecting, he knows that any normal person feels happiness when their child is born.

People don't feel empty. People don't have to learn to love their baby. People don't have fazes of happiness and adoration and then nothing at all. People can't leave their baby alone to cry in a room by themselves and forget how long they've been away. People don't act like he does.

"I'm useless Vic." That manages to be blurted out an hour later, when Vic wants to see any pictures he has.

Vic actually scoffs, confused entirely. "No you're not."

Robert looks at her seriously. "You have _no_ idea." He says, has Annie on his lap as she gurgles. 

Vic has a hand on his. "Talk to Aaron if you're not coping -"

Robert scowls, that sounds awful. "Aaron can't know I'm useless, don't be stupid." He snaps, apologises, then holds Annie closer to him.

"You're amazing with her and you don't even know it." Vic tells him, "You love her, you're her daddy."

Something swirls inside Robert and he nods. "Sorry, I'm just having a bad day." He waves a hand out.

Vic sighs. "We all have them, days where we think we're doing it all wrong, but you're not. She loves you, look at her." He does, she's blinking at him like she's almost in awe. "You're doing just as well as Aaron."

He tries to convince himself that's true, he really tries.

 

~

 

There's something wrong with her. She's irritable, cries and cries and Robert can't take it anymore.

He's on his laptop, he's taping away like a mad man trying to find out what's wrong with her and apparently there's a million things.

"Stop crying." Robert shudders, looks at her as she wriggles on the floor in front of him. "Stop, please." He feels something when she cries, he hates herself when she screams out like this, like she's in pain. "Baby please, it's okay."

She doesn't stop, she just gets worse and worse and then Robert is worrying even more. He thinks about calling Aaron, but he'll think he can't cope, so will Vic.

He takes one look at Annie's little body and sees that there's red blotches near her bottom and running up her back. "Shit." He whispers, feels like he's losing her or something and it kills him.

It takes him fifteen minutes before he's sitting in the hospital waiting room. He thinks that she's seriously ill, that they're going to tell him something terrible. So he sits there with her, bounces her on his knee as a woman looks at him with concern on her face.

"First one?" She's asking him, trying to look warm and soft and not threatening.

Robert raises his head, curls a finger round Annie's cheek and then frowns. 

"First baby?" She says, points to Annie. "She's beautiful."

Robert tries to smile, it's hard though, "I think there's something wrong with her."

The woman frowns and then softens again. "I bet she'll be fine." She reassures him. "Why don't you call someone, it's horrible being here on your own isn't it?"

She adds, looks towards the coffee machine where a man is standing, Robert assumes he's with her for support.

He takes her advice, no less than ten minutes later Aaron is running through the hospital. He's still got his work clothes on, looks completely wrecked as Robert stands with a crying Annie.

"Oh God," Aaron cries, takes Annie from Robert and holds her close. "Is she okay?" He stutters out, eyes wet. "Oh my baby girl." He holds her even closer and kisses her head.

"Aaron I don't know." Robert's chin wobbles. "I don't know what's wrong."

He should know, he's her father after all.

Aaron frowns, Annie's stopped crying and he tries to calm himself down. "Well, what happened?" Robert sounded so panicked on the phone, but now she seems fine, he doesn't know what -

"She - she wouldn't _stop_ crying and - she has this rash on her -" Robert gulps steadily, tries to calm himself down but can't.

Aaron frowns, his heart falls. "Rob was it just -" he knows what it was, he knows it just needed some cream because it was -

"What if it spreads? Aaron what - what if it gets really -" he can't catch his breath, it's too hard, "She could have meningitis or -"

Aaron's frowning at him, looks so worried because he's making such a scene and Annie's getting upset. "Calm down Robert." He whispers, tries to be soft with his words as Annie cries against him. 

"What if she dies?"

Aaron's never looked at him like this before, he seems utterly petrified by Robert's words, but it's not because he's scared it will happen, it's because he's scared Robert could even _think_ like that.

Maybe Robert blacks out because Aaron's face is the last thing he sees and the next is Annie's face staring at him. He's laying in a hospital bed and Aaron's talking to a nurse, Annie in his arms of course. 

"He just got himself into a bit is a state over her." The nurse explains but Aaron's more worried than that.

"He had a panic attack." Aaron blurts out, knows exactly how one feels. He saw Robert fall to the ground unsteadily as he struggled for air, he saw all of that.

Robert sighs hard and Aaron turns around to him. He's crying suddenly and Robert hates it.

"Hey, I'm fine. Look at me, I'm alright." Robert's voice is slurred, he blinks hard and then touches his forehead. "Just a little woozy." He adds.

Aaron slowly sits down with Annie on his lap and starts stroking Robert's hair. "You got yourself all worked up over nothing." He says, looks at Annie and smiles. "It's just nappy rash." He shrugs.

Robert can't quite believe it, feels his chin start to wobble. "Really?" He asks and Aaron's nodding. "She's okay?"

"She's perfect." Aaron says, watches as Robert lifts a hand up and starts circling his finger around Annie's small palm and then looking upset. "You're not though, you scared the fuck out of me Robert." He tries to keep everything inside but it's hard and he's still frightened.

"I'm sorry for -"

"You don't need to be." Aaron forces out and then blinks. "I think you're overdoing it a little." He admits, "Maybe I should stop working -"

"No." Robert snaps and then softens. "All I need is her to calm me down, I'll be fine."

Aaron doesn't quite believe him but Robert looks tired and he can't argue.

"Love you." Aaron mumbles against Robert's head and then Robert is slowly drifting off to sleep as he hears Annie gurgling near him.

Aaron sits there for a while, until Adam's there for some reason and he's looking concerned.

"You _did_ just run out off the scrapyard you know?" Adam says and Aaron remembers how much little information he had given. Then Adam's looking at Robert laying in the bed asleep and he's arching an eyebrow. "Blimey, what's happened to him?"

Aaron gulps, "Passed out." He mumbles, feels Annie start to fall asleep on his shoulder. "She's fine," he pats Annie's back, "It's him who got all overworked for nothing."

When Aaron looks up Adam's got this sly smile on his face like he thinks it's all a joke or something. "It's not funny Adam." He hisses but Adam just rolls his head a little.

"Oh come on it is a little, the indestructible Robert Sugden has been _crushed_ by a baby." Adam laughs and then sees the look on Aaron's face. "Oi mate, it's alright, he was just a little run down. Trust me, Liam was a nightmare at her age, constantly crying."

Aaron gulps, "Yeah, you never passed out though." He feels all this worry and he's scared, he's still scared.

Adam lifts an eyebrow, "Only 'cause Vic did most of the grafting and I was back at work." He says, a fair statement.

"Maybe I should sack off work, he says he doesn't want me to but -"

Adam pulls a face. "Can't dent his man pride can ya?" He warns, "You stepping in now is only going to make him feel worse."

Aaron tries to see the sense in it, _tries_.

 

~

 

Things are okay for a few days, the noise inside Robert's head dies down but then he hears Aaron downstairs, he's talking with Paddy, probably bouncing Annie on his knee.

"He had a full on panic attack." Aaron tries to be quiet, the worry has just been sitting in his chest for what feels like years. Paddy raises an eyebrow and looks like he can't quite believe he's hearing this about Robert.

"Is he alright?" Paddy asks, that's the next thing Robert hears as he has firm hands on the landing bar and looks down the spiralled staircase.

Aaron takes too long to reply and Robert feels that sense of uselessness hit him again. He thought he was doing a convincing job, he thought that Aaron hadn't a clue about how bad he was getting but -

"He hardly eats." Robert cringes as Aaron opens up the dam and lets the water pour out unsteadily. "He's always tired but he doesn't sleep." He adds and Robert wonders how Paddy is looking.

Aaron expects Paddy to say something reassuring like usual but he just shakes his head and there's a little smile on his face. "It's called being a parent."

Something hits Aaron's chest and he wonders if he's being silly for worrying, he has Anni close to his chest, she's growing even bigger now, has enough hair for Vic to put little clips in it and her eyes are changing, they're not greeny anymore but mixed with fragments of blue.

Robert hears Paddy speaking and doesn't know whether to slap him or shake his hand. He's torn born because it's more than just being a parent, what he feels, the extremities of his emotions, it's all more than just being a new father. But at the same time, it's reassuring, it makes him calm a little knowing that all of it can simply be slotted into the understanding that he is 'being a parent'. Maybe all parents are like, maybe none of them sleep a week and stand above the cot for hours because they're scared of something, anything, going wrong.

"Listen, this is Robert, flashy cars and - you know money and -" Aaron frowns, doesn't know what Paddy's getting at. "And now, now he's a _dad_."

Aaron doesn't like the way it sounds, "But he wanted this, _we_ wanted this. You have no idea how hard it was, people staring, asking questions when we went in with Lily to scans and all that. If you're saying that he didn't really want this and he's just trying to get by then -"

Paddy flies a hand up. "I'm not saying that, I'm just - it's a lot to adjust to isn't he? He's a bit of a perfectionist, wants to control. But now he's got this unpredictable little girl." He smiles softly at Annie. "It's a lot Aaron, just because you're a natural -"

Robert bites his lip, is it that obvious that Aaron's amazing and - he's _not_.

"No I'm not." Aaron snaps, shakes his head. "I - I had to work so _hard_ to try and be good with her, fight off all that stuff that told me I was _his_ son, that I - I could never be a good dad." He thinks about all those nights filled with worry and fear.

Robert freezes on the landing, he didn't know, he didn't even think about that. He was selfish too.

"But you are." Paddy says. "And so is Robert." He adds, "He just, it's a lot for him to get used to is all." He shrugs.

"He shouldn't have to feel like he's dealing with it all on his own though, I feel awful every time I think of him - ya know, going all that way to the hospital, thinking all sorts." He starts stroking Annie's chubby little arms and sighs. "Maybe I should sack work in, help here more."

Robert doesn't want that, he wants to keep trying to do better for Annie, he knows he has to do that on his own.

So that's what he tells Aaron, late at night once Annie's stopped crying and he has Aaron close to him.

"Rob, turn off the door." Aaron mumbles and Robert's actually laughing softly towards his husband and feeling light.

"Someone has baby brain I think." Robert mumbles back, kissing at Aaron's temple and then hearing his husband yawn and turn to him better.

"Rob," Aaron whispers, "I think I should cut back on work, it's not fair that you're with her when she's ratty and -"

Robert's eyes flutter and his chest tightens, "It's not a burden, she's my daughter." He think he sounds convincing, maybe he does because Aaron's smiling and looking like he's heard what he needed to hear. "I love looking after her."

He does, sometimes, before the grief kicks in and she's just a baby who cries and he's just a bloke who can't give her everything she needs and deserves and all he can do is think of Ollie.

"You'd tell me if - if there was something wrong wouldn't you?" Aaron's soft tonight, gentle with his touches and Robert feels like he could say it all but he doesn't. He holds back, of course he does.

"Yeah of course, same goes for you." He dares say, as if Aaron's the one with the problem.

He isn't the problem, he never has been, he's always been perfect for Annie, still is.

Aaron's the soft sort of doting father you see in the doctors, baby on lap, pram by his side and her Winnie the Pooh bag pressed against his foot.

Robert's not. Robert's the sort of father that turns up late because he took a wrong turn and forgot how to get there properly, had to ask for instructions twice before arriving.

"About time." Aaron grumbles, chews at his lip a little as he sees Robert coming towards him, hair out of place, face pale and too many layers of clothes on for such a hot day outside.

Robert tries smiling at Annie but finds it hard, feels too guilty again because he doesn't love her enough does he? He doesn't love her the way Aaron does.

"Sorry," Robert sits down besides Aaron and then dares himself to catch sight of his little girl. She's wearing this lilac little dress, has a purple clip in her hair and Robert melts at the way she looks at him. She knows his face, knows his eyes and his smile and the feel of his hair. She loves him too maybe. "Traffic was nuts." He lies, doesn't want Aaron to know he didn't know the way.

Aaron shrugs, "You didn't need to come, just a few jabs." He says, wonders why Robert was so eager.

Robert frowns. "I wanted to come." He pushes out, "Hold her hand and that." He tries to laugh but he's nervous and it shows. He wonders if he comes across bad but Aaron just smiles, looks like he finds it endearing and kissing his husband in the waiting room for anyone to see.

"Will it hurt her?" It's irrational, they've told him three times that it's nothing but a little prick and that she'll only moan for a few minutes or so. It doesn't stop how his mind works though, it doesn't stop him holding her close to him and rocking her for ages until Aaron has to take her and let them get on with it.

The thing is, she's as good as gold with it, she doesn't even cry and then Aaron calls her his little star and says he knew she wouldn't make a fuss.

It's because he knows her, it's because he has bonded with her and she clings to him all the time because she _wants_ to.

It's because he's out in the dark isn't he? He's the other daddy, the useless one.

Maybe Annie doesn't need two.

He stops eating all together, can't stomach food and then suddenly he doesn't want to leave the house anymore.

She's a month old, Annie, and it's got worse. She's blinking quicker, gurgling louder and gripping his hand tighter and yet still it's getting worse.

He can't be around her, can't bare the thought of going out with her and hearing people ask him questions about her. So he secludes himself, wonders how long it will last until he can hold her in his arms and love her enough for it to be true.

Liv notices because she's quick and sharp and she sees him staring sadly at Annie one night, she sees him sliding his food into the bin when Aaron's back is turned, she sees Robert cringe as Aaron bounces their little girl and asks if she wants daddy to hold her whilst he makes her bottle up.

She sees and she blabs, straight to Aaron.

"Why would you say that?" Aaron questions her, hand on hip, face forming into a frown as she speaks in a slow soft voice and tries her hardest not to rule Aaron up too badly because Robert's only upstairs.

"Maybe because it's true." Liv exaggerates with her hands, shakes her head. "He's not eating, hardly sleeps, I _hear_ him tiptoeing across the landing towards Annie's room in the middle of the night, don't you?"

Aaron's eyes flicker, he feels awful but - he doesn't, he's dead to the world until he hears Annie crying, anything else is completely muted. "Look, he's fine. We've talked about this before." He explains, feels unsteady as he does so.

"You don't think he's overworking himself with her a little much?" Liv shifts on the counter she is sitting on in the kitchen and then blinks, "He was up for what? Nearly an hour last night trying to work out the best way to give her a bath."

Aaron finds it endearing, doesn't want to find it anything else than that.

"He's like that, and then - then other times he's just - switched off." Liv admits, knows she's not going mad, she knows that Robert is almost disengaged with her niece most of the time. It comes out in manic episodes of love, pushed to the extremities. He's either not paying her much attention or worrying she'll die and it's all his fault. Somehow she just _knows_.

"What if this is about Rebecca's ba -"

Aaron's head nearly snaps and he comes closer to her, face reddening and a finger pointed at her, "Don't." He says firmly, then eyes the stairs. "Don't you dare bring him up around him, _ever_." That's the last thing Aaron needs Robert to hear.

Liv crouches into herself and nods. "Don't you care about what I just said though? About him being -"

Aaron hears laughter from upstairs and then the sound of cooing and gurgling. He smiles, pictures Robert giving Annie a bath, splashing water near her and working on her senses or whatever he was trying to do with her earlier. 

Liv feels guilty, hears Robert laugh a little louder and then call out for Aaron to come and see what Annie's doing with her little face. Aaron happily goes, forgets the warnings from Liv and the way she seems to know more than he does about how fragmented Robert's feelings are for his their daughter.

Robert is smiling, he's finally holding her right in the bath and Aaron can't help but forget everything else.

Aaron can't ignore it though when he hears Robert crying a few weeks later. It's the middle of the night, it must be about three in the morning or something and he hears Robert on the baby monitor for the first time.

He's sobbing his heart out softly, maybe he's holding Annie.

"I'm sorry, I'm not good enough, I'm so sorry." Aaron feels something almost shatter in his chest as he hears his husband cry, he's rubbing his eyes and lifting himself up on the bed and he can't quite believe what he's hearing.

"I just want to be a good daddy but I can't be." Robert whispers, feels like it's worst today, feels like he can't feel anything as he rocks her. It's been nearly two months and yet he still feels inaqequate, still feels like it's going all wrong. "Not like your other daddy, not like Aaron, he's always going to protect you."

He's still crying, has to put Annie back in her cot and then he hears Aaron by the door. His heart beats out of his chest and then he's furiously rubbing at his eyes, trying to make out that they weren't red raw from crying.

But Aaron's seen, he's seen because he's crying isn't he, he has his hand in his mouth the way Annie does when she's almost nervous about something. He's coming closer, isn't saying anything and then suddenly Robert feels Aaron's weight hit him hard as he wraps his arms around his neck.

"Don't say stuff like that." Aaron finally mumbles, head still buried in the side of Robert's neck. "You're doing amazing." He thinks he's told Robert before but maybe it's not enough. It clearly isn't.

Robert pushes him away, hates how he's heard, "I'm just tired." It's the ultimate excuse nowadays. It's the only thing he can say. "I overthink when I'm tired." He forces out and then Aaron's holding him by the waist, noticing his weight loss despite the fact that he has willed himself to start eating properly again. For the sake of Annie.

"Rob -" Aaron gulps hard. "You'd tell me if - if this was too hard, if she was -" he looks at Annie, thinks about how much she can _cry_ with Robert sometimes. "You'd tell me?"

Robert shakes a little and then he nods, wants to pull Aaron closer so he does. "I just - I need you to hold me for a second."

He wants to forget everything, hates how Aaron could know everything now about how awful he is. He just lets Aaron in, he just soaks it up.

He holds on, he holds on until Annie's awake and she's crying out for Aaron and he's out on the outside again.

Aaron sees it now, he sees how depressed Robert is about her, about not loving her or something and he tells him again. He tells him that he's enough for their little girl.

He hopes Robert starts to believe it before everything gets worse.

"How 'bout a day out?" Aaron's watching Robert watch him feed Annie. Robert's almost transfixed, quiet, hasn't said a lot since Aaron found him crying.

"A day out?" Robert whispers, he hasn't left he house for a few days. Aaron's looking at him differently now, last night he tried to bring up the subject of talking to someone about feeling so low and he had to distract him with sex. He couldn't even do that though, he just _couldn't_.

Aaron stops feeding Annie her bottle and begins stroking her hair like he always does, "Yeah." He says, then looks down at Annie. "Want to create memories don't I?" He says, "Show her the beach me and mum went too."

Robert smiles, soft eyes and soft hands start to come closer towards Aaron. Something brightens in his chest and he feels okay, feels something inside him.

"Sounds fun." Robert says, wants to mean it and then Annie's starting at him, pushing a hand towards him.

"Someone wants daddy." Aaron whispers, slowly passes Annie over to Robert and then smiles as he sees something sparkle in Robert's eyes.

Robert kisses her head, watches her breathe and feels like he can too. "Maybe it'll do us some good, getting out of here for a bit." He says and then Aaron's nodding at him. "I love you."

They haven't had time for that, Aaron feels guilty, says it back. "I do." He whispers.

"Sorry about last night." Robert feels guilty, one second he was on top of Aaron and the next he wasn't. "Don't know what's wrong with me."

Aaron frowns. "Tired? Two month old baby girl?" He laughs, then presses a hand underneath Robert's top so that he's touching his chest. It makes Robert's cheeks brighten and then he smiles. "Don't worry, I still find you quite fit."

Robert arches an eyebrow and then Annie starts wriggling in his lap a little more and making breathy little sounds. "Just quite fit?"

Aaron comes closer, kissed at Robert's ear and then pulls back. "A lot more fit with Annie in your arms." He says and Robert wants to thank him, wants to ask if he really does look right with Annie in his arms.

He doesn't though, he holds that back.

They have a good day, Robert feels it as soon as he wakes up. He smiles at Aaron, then he thinks of Annie and he has this swirl of something inside. He doesn't feel bad, doesn't feel like he's not good enough.

He feels light as he wakes up Annie and brings her into their bedroom, watches Aaron almost come alive as she lays next to him.

"Beach today then?" Robert whispers, has a hand through Annie's hair which is growing by the day. "Put her in the car seat, build some sand castles." He looks happy and Aaron sees it. He wonders if the darkness has gone from his husband's mind.

"Sounds like the perfect day." Aaron whispers, has a hand on Robert's cheek and then kisses him.

The weather is surprisingly good. It makes everything better as they wrap Annie in her blanket and settle her on the soft sand.

Aaron has his back against Robert's chest, hears the waves crash against the shore and feels content. He feels able to pull his fingers through Robert's hands and swing them together without a care in the world.

"She's loving the sea I think." Robert says, voice gentle as he stares at her, she's dressed in some little blue dress, faced towards the running water and he hears her gurgles, her eyes widening again and again.

Aaron nods. "Course she is." He whispers, turns towards Robert and suddenly looks a little serious. "I think ... think this has done us some good maybe."

Robert gulps a little, turns away and then his eyes flicker. "Sorry for being all over the place." He whispers, "With Annie." He adds, tries to make more sense of it.

Aaron starts playing with Robert's wedding ring and then kisses his hand. It's not something normal, it's too soft and sweet and Robert relishes in it completely. "It's overwhelming innit?" He says. "Me and you have had a lot to deal with."

Robert nods against Aaron and then has a hand on Annie's stomach, hears her breathe and he settles, feels love for her and it's good. "I want this, I want you and her forever." He's scared, petrified of losing it all because of his own mind and the way he can switch off sometimes.

"You're not going to lose us." Aaron stresses and then sighs. "Please know you can talk if it gets too much." He wants to think that Robert will but his past says otherwise. His past tells Aaron that Robert will end up laying in a hospital bed because he bottles things up for so long and worrying over _nothing_. "Because the other night was - it hurt so much to see you like that." He looks almost heartbroken by it.

Robert can't even look at Aaron, has to look down at Annie and kiss her cheek. "I know," he looks back at Aaron. "I'm sorry. I didn't -"

"I just want us happy." Aaron whispers, thinks about how _much_ he wants that. "More than anything else Rob." He adds, "So please, please let me in."

Robert's eyes flutter, the sound of the waves soak into his mind and he feels his heart drop as Aaron looks at him, looks 'so in love' and it's almost like he has all his attention. For the first time in week, for the first time since Annie's been home with them, it feels like Aaron only has eyes for him.

"I will." Robert says, then curls his finger round Annie's hair. "But I don't think I'll need to anymore." He sounds hopeful, feels like he can't think negatively because everything is calm in his mind and he loves Annie and he loves Aaron and he's happy.

Aaron smiles softly, "Good." He says quickly, the sound of the sea pulls him away from the conversation for a second and then he's picking up a little shell and then thinking deeply. Somehow his mind takes him towards Rebecca and it surprises him because he thought it was buried deep down. He thinks about what could have been and it's painful, he has this thought in his head about the baby, about Annie _with_ the baby, Annie with her _brother_ and it's awful. He suddenly thinks about how awful it must be for Robert.

Does he think about it? Does he _cry_ over it?

"You know you can talk to me about him."

Robert feels something rattle through his veins and he pales almost instantly. He knows who Aaron is talking about and he doesn't even want to _go_ there.

"I don't want to." Robert has his eyes on Annie, but he keeps seeing this little boy instead and it hurts. "He's in the past, this," he slowly starts stroking over Annie's small stomach. "This is the present, my little Annie."

Aaron almost melts, thinks that nothing is breaking them as he sees Robert lift up their daughter and hold her towards his chest. He doesn't know how much it takes out of Robert, doesn't know how much Robert is trying to feel something for her.

It's a good day though, Robert would say it was a good day overall.

It's the last good day though, it's the last one because the next day everything is pulled away at the seams and Robert is stripped back to nothing.

He's actually out with Annie, he's got her in the pram and Diane is almost fawning right over the bars and trying to get closer. Robert blushes as Diane keeps complimenting her, says how chubby she's getting and talking about how many feeds Robert gives her a day.

Robert's mind blanks, he hates how he doesn't know, hates how it's just routine to him and he can't think deeply about it at all. "Uh - I don't -"

The sound of the cafe door opening pulls Diane's attention away and then suddenly he sees her.

He sees a brown hat and mustard yellow blouse and a small beaded bag and -

He thinks his heart shatters, he swears that the world turns to dust and she's the only person left in existence.

She looks startled by his presence, like she doesn't know what to say or where to look.

Robert's mouth is dry, he feels a hand on his shoulder and he thinks it might be Diane but all he sees is her standing there and she's - she's still holding her flat stomach, maybe it's a comforting thing for her. After all this time, maybe she still finds comfort in thinking he's still with her.

She pulls a hand through her hair, shaking a little and blinking quickly. "Robert?" She says, like she's just really registered his presence.

Robert just stares at her and then he's hearing Annie crying in the pram, she's really crying and then Robert is looking at her.

He's looking at her and seeing Ollie. He's back, he's haunting him and -

When he looks up again Rebecca White has ran away, she's ran just like before, just like always.

He can always count on her for that.

Robert tries to pretend he hasn't seen her, manages to leave the village with Annie and cross over towards the bridge without taking in Diane's words of comfort or warning or whatever she actually wanted to express.

He keeps walking, Annie's not crying anymore and is instead asleep, her small elephant toy is pressed against her face and she looks so peaceful. She looks like she has no idea about the torment of Robert's mind and how dark it is getting, how he feels the black mucky substance start to fill his insides and make him unable to love her again.

He feels his head aching and he's reliving everything he swore was _in the past_.

 _'He's gone, he's dead.'_ That's what she had cried, screamed at him at the top of her voice. _'I need to give birth but I don't get to keep him.'_ That's what she said next.

 _'I don't want to let you go.'_ That's what she said when she held him, when he was in her arms and Victoria was crying over her and Robert was outside feeling numb, his heart aching because his son was _dead_ and yet he had no right to grieve for him.

 _'I'm keeping him, he's staying with me.'_ That's why Rebecca insisted, deciding that a cremation would mean that she'd get to keep him with her at all times, she decided on a necklace, _she_ decided and Robert let her.

He let her do everything while he locked himself away. He let his life unravel around him whilst Aaron was in France for the weekend with Adam. He let himself grieve in absolute silence and that way he didn't even think of breaking when Aaron back. 

_'Rob - why didn't you tell me? Robert I'm so sorry. God I'm so -'_

He was sorry. He really was.

It all comes flooding back, it manages to flow through his veins as he stands on the bridge and looks down at the water moving fast beneath him.

He thinks about how easy it would be to jump off and land in the icy water, learn how to feel nothing at all. That would be nice, he thinks.

He doesn't get to think anymore though, there's the sound of heels and then her face is in front of his.

She looks like she wants to smile but can't. Robert knows the feeling.

"Hello." Rebecca says softly, playing with her bag and looking down towards the floor. "Sorry for - before in the cafe, not uh, not sticking around."

Robert feels his heart beating out of his chest. "You're bad at that." He snipes, feels sick suddenly as she looks at him with all this sorrow and pain. "Sorry." He tries and then he sights something around her neck, it's a locket in the shape of a heart and it says -

 _Oliver._  

"Why are you here?" Robert wants distance, needs it suddenly.

Rebecca frowns, looks unsure. "Just visiting, just - well I don't know really." Robert sees it in her eyes, she's never looked so lost before.

It makes him look away from her and then his jaw is tightening. "I don't need this. I can't see you _here_ with that around your neck, I can't know what _that_ is and be okay." He points at her neck and then suddenly she looks insulted. 

Her face hardens and her eyes flutter. "Not convenient is it?" She snaps, "Coming face to face with what is left of your _son_." Robert physically recoils and feels panic set in. "Considering you -" she almost can't speak anymore and then she's looking at the pram between them for the first time. "You've already forgotten he even existed." She's fierce and mean now and Robert sees it coming. 

"Don't. Don't say that to me." He can't bare that, he doesn't want to tell her how much of his mind is filled with _him._

"How do you get this?" Rebecca yells, tear in her eyes. "How do you get a -" almost on cue Annie starts to gurgle and wake up. "A little girl." She almost softens and then trips on her own words, hand covering up to cover her mouth.

"I need you to go." Robert forces out, tugs the pram closer.

Rebecca shakes her head, almost still in disbelief. "How do you get a baby when you killed ours?"

He feels himself almost double over in agony and he can't even try and straighten himself up. He feels sick, feels like he might actually faint or something because she's said the worst thing she could have ever even dared throw at him.

He killed Ollie. He did it, she still felt that way, that wasn't anger talking, that was _her_ talking.

He scarpers, he's suddenly off the bridge and he's walking almost at lightning speed with Annie in her pram, making noises and reminding him once again of how he feels nothing for her, how he can't, how he'll always have a hole in his heart because of Ollie and how _this_ is punishment.

This emptiness is what they call karma, after finally believing those baby blues were behind him and that he was okay with Aaron and their beautiful little girl, Rebecca shows up and brings him straight back to where it all went wrong.

The second he feels light and bright and almost like he deserves to be happy, karma comes knocking and he just has to answer the door and invite her in.

It's only polite.

 

~

 

Aaron's at work, has no idea thankfully, but that doesn't mean Vic doesn't as well, of course she's seen her.

There's a knock on the door and Robert foolishly answers it, sees her standing there, his sister is filled with all this concern and he doesn't want it. 

"Diane said Rebecca was back, that she'd seen ya."

Robert can't even look at Vic, starts walking towards the sofa where Annie is laid out. "I don't want to talk about." He snaps, "Piss off Vic."

She doesn't get the hint, if anything she's even more forceful. "She's in the pub, she's drunk and -" Robert winces, she's spiteful when she's drunk. "Did she see Annie?"

Robert suddenly turns round, "Was she talking about Annie?" He's breathing all funny and feels hollow.

Vic nods her head, "She's just upset, considering -"

"Considering _what_?" Robert's shouting. "That I have a child now, _sixth months_ after she lost the biggest mistake of my fucking life! That - that I've got a family now, a proper one and it has nothing to do with her. How fucking dare I move on from something I regret most."

His anger makes Annie start to cry and she won't stop, maybe she feels the anger radiating off of her father.

Vic attempts to step forward and hold her and suddenly Robert's blocking her way. "Get out, _leave_ Vic." She's tried to make him feel guilty about it all and he resents that more than anything else.

"Talk to me, talk to me about Oliver -"

No one else knew his name, just him and Rebecca knew what his name was going to -

Suddenly he's pushing her, pushing her towards the door and she's yelling at him to let her help and Annie's still screaming her lungs out and -

Aaron's unlocking the door, frowning and then he looks scared.

"What's going on?" Aaron's breathe is slow and harsh and he tries to stop getting too worked up.

Vic tries to explain, but Robert's almost mute and is frozen to the spot on the floor and she realises she needs to go. She makes sure to say one word before she leaves though, a whisper to Aaron. 

Rebecca.

Aaron's stunned, eyes widen at the mention of her name and everything dies inside him.

Robert's got a hand through his hair and he won't look at Aaron. Almost can't. No, he can't, he really can't.

"Rebecca?" Aaron whispers, her name hasn't left his lips for months and months. She's in this box in his mind, this box which is filled with misery and pain and _death_. Robert just winces like he can't bare the sound of it. "What has she got to do with -"

Robert feels something stir in his chest, he needs to breathe, needs to but can't.

"Robert?" Aaron snaps, he can't say anything else because Robert is almost not in the room. He's just staring down at Annie, won't stop looking at her. "Look at me!" He shouts, doesn't mean to but -

"Leave me alone." Robert shouts back, has a hand through his hair and then suddenly Annie's crying. 

Robert hardly flinches. 

"You need to talk to me about this." Aaron says, thought they were past all this, clearly they're not. "You said you would." His voice breaks then and he feels awful. "Tell me, what's happened with Rebecca? Why is Vic talking about _her_ again?"

Robert keeps remembering the necklace, he can't think of anything else at all despite Aaron trying to get in. It's like he's on a cliff edge, Aaron's attempting to pull him back but he's not enough because Robert wants to dive off and get closer to what's down there. Whatever it could be.

"Rob!" Aaron shouts and this time, this time Annie cries even louder and - "Please, please just, is this about the baby or -"

It's like Robert sees red, feels like he can't breathe again and the next second, the next _second_ he's throwing something across the room, it bounces off the sofa, hits something dangerously hard and then falls onto the floor. A remote maybe -  

Robert blinks, hands shake and he suddenly looks up.

Aaron's there, Aaron's shaking his head, tears are in his eyes and he has a hand over his mouth in shock.

A wave of noise sparks Robert's ears and he hears Annie's screams, how badly she wants to be held or something.

" _Jesus_." Aaron whispers, just can't think of anything other than getting closer to his little girl and stopping her tears because Robert's losing it isn't he?

The foundations of everything is falling around Robert and when he blinks again Aaron is there, cradling Annie and looking absolutely petrified.

"I know baby," Aaron tries to be soft, can't bring himself to even focus on anything other than the way Annie's shaking because she's been crying for so long. "I know," he whispers, over and over again and then Robert's falling back towards the sofa and panting slowly like he can't even believe himself.

Then he sees the damage he had done, he's smashed a window.

He's actually smashed a window.

"Aaron," Robert shakes out, he wants Aaron to hold his hand, that's all he wants, that's _all_. But that's the last thing Aaron will do isn't it? Aaron wants to _run_  and Robert sees it in his eyes.

He still dares though, Robert still tries to reach and the he feels his skin burn as Aaron moves away from him purposely.

"Get the fuck -" Aaron catches his breathe, Annie's crying rings through the room and his eyes are wet with tears as he stares at Robert standing in front of him. He doesn't look like Robert, he doesn't look like _his_ Robert. This one is too frantic and wild and - he throws things out in _anger_ when their little girl is so close by. "Don't come near." He orders, sees the pain written across Robert's face. He's never looked so hurt before. 

"I - didn't mean to do that." Robert has tears in his eyes, they fall and fall and then he looks towards the state of the window and recoils in horror. "Aaron I didn't mean to." He's desperate as he speaks.

Aaron's crying so much that he thinks his tears are managing to fall over Annie and he knows he has to calm himself down or she'll only become more unsettled and he can't have that. "You threw it, you threw it and it nearly hit her."

Robert can't bring himself to believe that, he's shaking his head. " _No_." He forces out, " _Never_."

"I _saw_ ya." Aaron's eyes swim with tears and he can't look at Robert again, shoes crunching on broken glass and this unwanted breeze filtering through the room. "You didn't even know what you were doing."

Aaron watches it sink in, watches Robert stagger and then suddenly he's trying to find Annie's bag.

Robert knows what this is, can't just stand by like last time because Aaron won't come back now, he won't come back if Robert lets him leave.

"No. Please Aaron, please." Robert's a mess, he's catching up with Aaron and finding Annie's bag quicker, holding it towards his chest and forcing Aaron to look at him. "Look, I snapped! I didn't want to talk - to talk about _her_ and I snapped." Aaron's still crying and Robert wants to beg him to stop. "You've snapped in the past!"

Aaron sees red, "Not in front of our little girl I haven't!" He shouts, has to rub Annie's back to stop her from becoming overwhelmed and suddenly he hates what they've become and what he's doing to a baby he only wanted to see happy. "I can't do this anymore."

Robert's face crumbles, "What does that _mean_?" He's blinking back more tears and then Aaron's snatching the bag, has this ability to move swiftly around the room with Annie in his arms. "Please, Aaron you can't just go." He says, like it's obvious.

Aaron looks around the room, the damage done, he feels sick. He needs to get out, suddenly he's a boy again and he can't bare his surroundings and he needs to _go_ and take Annie away from how he feels. 

"I can't even look at you." Aaron staggers, hands holding Annie tightly. "You - you're not Robert, you're someone else. You're someone else." He keeps repeating that, that's how it feels in Robert's head, it won't stop playing. "My _husband_ wouldn't ever - ever do that when our Annie's here."

Our Annie. His Annie. _Aaron's Annie._

It feels like a punch in the gut, he lashes out because of it. He's blocking the door and he's crying and his pleading and it's a mess of apologies and swear words and tears.

"Don't leave, please don't take her from me." He feels something, he feels like he's being ripped in two and this, _this_ is what every parent feels all the time isn't it? This bone aching, mind numbing _love_ for their baby. This is it.

Why does it hurt so much? Robert thinks, can't think of anything else. Not a thing.

Aaron winces, it's the last thing he wants. "You think I want that?" He says, it's killing him, all of this. "I thought we both felt the same about this, about loving a child, our child and keeping them from harm, showing them how much we will always be there. Then you do this, you lose it, _again_." He shudders, "Because you don't give a _shit_ do ya?" 

Robert winces, feels like he's going to explode because everything is breaking around him and Aaron doesn't love him, he can tell just by looking at him.

"Please don't leave me," Robert begs, once last time maybe. "I'm sorry. I - I just - it's hard, I mess up, I'm a _fuck up_ Aaron." There's nothing else to say is there?

Aaron scoffs, feels Annie's little arms start to move further up towards his neck. She wants his love, she needs it considering.

"I need ya, I need her." Annie makes him want to try, makes him want to make up for everything he's done in the past, all the mistakes, all the tears and pain he's caused with his actions.

Aaron has a hand on the door handle. He presses down and Robert still tries to block him but there's no use.

"Well we don't need you." Aaron barks, has the image flying the remote across the room in his head on repeat, it's over and over again and he can't shut it off. He doesn't need him, he doesn't need that sort of -

He loves him though, he loves him with everything he has, everything he will ever have, he loves him but -

He loves Annie, it's a different love, one where he needs to protect her from everything, needs to protect her in a way he never ever was when he was a child.

So he doesn't take his words back, he opens the door and he runs.

He runs and leaves Robert absolutely heartbroken, left with _nothing_.

 

~ 

 

  
Aaron's feet take him into the pub and he looks a state, hair against his forehead and heart panting.

 He knows he's making a scene and he hides in the back, waits until Chas is running after him and then he's pouring his heart out.

"He - it's all messed up mum, I had to take her, I had to keep her happy and she wasn't happy there -" Aaron's blubbering, can't let go of Annie against his chest who is wriggling around even more now. "Mum, mum I needed to go, tell me I did the right thing."

Chas takes Annie from his arms, settles her down on the sofa and then she's pulling Aaron towards her and he's sobbing into her chest, finding comfort when everything is shattering around him.

 

~ 

 

Robert can only think of her, of what she said, of how much she meant it when it fell out of her mouth.

He's on the floor, he's almost curled up in a ball and then he's thinking about what Aaron said. It was true, it was all true because Aaron didn't need him, he was always strong enough for anything the world decided to throw at him, Annie didn't need him either.

Robert blinks, the window has a whole smashed through it and there's shards of glass around him, for a second he has a dark deep thought and thinks about how easy it would be to die, to end it all and he wants to cry. He can't though, instead he shakes and he has this image of Annie in his mind, she's crying out for him and then Oliver's there, both of his children, both who deserved so much more than _him_. It's why he never was able to be a good father to his little girl, it's why it was a struggle and always has been, it's karma, it always has been karma.

The breeze flutters in through the window and makes Robert shiver as he lays there, mind tingling with fear and torment and anger and _grief_. It's grief which makes him cry in the end, it's what makes him realise that he's actually lost his entire life because Aaron's not there anymore, and neither is Annie and Liv is - 

Robert shuffles up at the thought of her, he's staring at a picture of her and him at the wedding and something shifts in his mind, then there's a twist of a key in the lock and she's standing there in shock.

"What's gone on here?"

Her voice is fragile, like she is already thinking of what it could be and Robert breaks for her.

"Robert?"

He blinks, shuffles up until he's on his feet and he's looking at her. Something strikes him, she's taller, she's so much taller than he thought and it takes him by surprise. He looks towards the door, it's still open and suddenly he realises he needs to make a run for it. He has this thought in his mind, Aaron coming back and calling him a monster and Liv hating him and -

"Come here," Robert calls her to him and she comes, she's closing in and suddenly he's wrapping his arms around her and pressing a kiss down on her head. "Love you, sorry, sorry Liv." He doesn't mean to cry but he does and then she's scared and she's pulling away.

"What's going on? You can tell me, you can." Liv's got tears in her eyes, sights the window and recoils in horror as Robert hangs his head.

"Sorry." Robert whispers, starts playing with his hands and rocking back and forth. "Aaron's gone, he's taken Annie, he's gone."

Liv's eyes are wide and filled with something awful. "Fight." It's what Robert hears, maybe she says more words but he just hangs onto that one.

He wants to, suddenly, overwhelmingly, he needs to fight for them, for what they had before he broke it all into pieces.

He kisses her head, pulls on his coat, runs through the door and then his feet are knowing where to find them. The pub, always the pub.

The back door isn't locked, he makes his way in and then he sees Annie, Chas is holding her, rocking her back and forth and he feels something stir up in his chest for her. Love? He wants to say, knows it's just a necessity to have her close and maybe that's even better. It's way better than feeling nothing for her like usual, feeling like he's a failure and doesn't deserve to love her at all.

Aaron's sniffing, he's sitting on the chair and is looking intensely at their daughter like he needs to make sure she isn't going anywhere.

"He lost it mum, again, he just - he nearly hit her." Robert has to catch his breath as he hears Aaron speak to Chas. "He's not right in here." Robert steps further in, sees Aaron pointing to his head and drilling a finger into the space almost in despair.

Chas starts rubbing Annie's back and then shakes her head. "You were right to leave, let him cool down for a bit."

Aaron's eyes are glassy and he stills. "I can't go back."

Robert's heart drops and he has to back towards the wall for support, hand over his mouth as he stands there.

"You can't seriously think she's in danger, from _him_." Chas can't quite believe it, looks almost as heartbroken as her son. "Darling, he's just -"

"It's Rebecca. It's Rebecca and the baby. He's never gotten past it, that's why he is the way he is. He's angry and he resents our baby because she isn't his son." It's all worked out in Aaron's head and Robert hates him for it, wants to scream at him for thinking it's that easy when it's not at all.

"No, no that's in the past." Chas tries, she keeps trying but Aaron can't bare it.

"It's not." Aaron cries out, "He's a _mess_ , he doesn't -" he pulls his head down. "I can't think about him now, not now I have her," he's looking at Annie and trying to smile. "So I can't go back."

It feels like someone's actually crushing down on him, a weight which won't budge and he can't breathe as he thinks about exactly what he is saying.

Chas has tears in her eyes, chin wobbling as she tries to speak. "You really think he'd hurt her?"

Robert holds his breath for too long, he becomes dizzy, chest aching and then he heard the worst thing in the world.

"I don't know."

There's that uncertainty. His husband, his _Aaron_ could sit there and say he doesn't know whether Robert would harm their little girl. After his up bringing, after facing the worst version of a father possible, Aaron could sit there and call Robert a danger to their girl. He could do that, he _did_ do it.

Robert's palms are sweaty, he has tear stains down his face which makes it feel sticky when he tries to move it a little. He doesn't know what to say, just realises that standing in the hallway is something he can't do for much longer.

There's the sound of glass breaking, cheering and Chas tuts, she's saying something about having to sort it out.

Robert watches her place Annie down in a car seat kept there, a blanket thrown over her and then the sound grows louder. It's a fight going on and she's looking towards Aaron for some help and he's going, they're _both_ going and -

For a second Robert just watches his daughter breathe, in and out, nice and slow and then she's moaning and wriggling and - he's sure she's looking at him, arms stretched out for him to hold because she's been left, and he wants her, he _wants_ her.

So he takes her.

He takes the whole car seat, pats his coat and finds his keys and he takes her, he just turns the key and breathes out slowly and looks back to where Annie's sitting. She's in the back seat, right where Robert can see her, she's there and she's content, she's not crying with him like usual.

Robert has his hands firmly on the wheel, presses down on the break and tries to smile. 

"Don't worry darling, daddy's going to keep you safe, daddy loves you." He does, he _does_.

Aaron walls back in, and his whole world is pulled apart. It's like his been standing on this rug for years and suddenly it's being pulled out from under him without any warning.

"She's gone." Aaron's screaming, turning over pillows and Chas is behind him, eyes wide, hands pressed against her chest like it's hard for her to breathe. "Where's - Annie, _Annie_ -"

Marlon's running through the door, has a empty plate in his hand as he looks at Aaron and then understands. "Okay, just try and calm down and -"

Aaron looks up, feels wind hit his back and then realises that the door is open, the back door is open, _wide open._

It takes seconds for him to realise what's happened, he can almost see it now and his hands shake. "Robert's taken her, it's Robert, he's taken her." 

The thing is though Robert's not just taken her back home, he finds Liv there and he feels like he can't breathe right as she looks at him the way she does. He's let her down, everything is _wild_ and he's let her down.

"I said he needed to fight for ya both, to bring ya back - I didn't think he'd _take_ her." Liv's blubbering, hand in her hair as she attempts to make sense, watches Aaron lose it in front of her.

"He's taken our girl," Aaron slides down the wall, hands over his mouth.

Paddy's there, he's blinking quickly and his face is bright red and he's talking about calling the police but Vic - Vic's there and she won't let him.

"You can't do that to him, he's all over the place! You can't call the police, you _can't_."

All eyes our on Aaron, as if he has the call, as if he decides if this is some sort of kidnap situation and his unstable and potentially dangerous husband has his child. He finds himself nodding towards Paddy though, not Vic. He's agreeing with Paddy, he knows he has to call the police on his own husband.

 

~

 

Robert has her in his arms, the moon is out and there's a black blanket covering where the blue sky was at one point that day. There's stars in the sky and they twinkle, keep twinkling.

"Look at them, they're shining, they're twinkling for _you_ my angel." Robert's whispering, head low, eyes only focused on her and keeping her safe from the cold night. He's got her wrapped up tighter in his blanket and he's showing her the sky. There's a nice view from the hotel room window, nice enough anyway.

He suddenly starts humming 'You are my sunshine', watches her react to his soft words and he begs for it to be true.

"Please don't take my sunshine anyway." Robert whispers, shaky hands start to tuck her in quicker and suddenly he's pleading for her to stay close to him. 

It's almost like he knows he's going to lose her, like he knows that it's the end.

"You know why I had to take you," Robert whispers, "Imagine if I didn't? I wouldn't have ever seen ya again because your dada doesn't trust me with ya -" his voice breaks a little and he thinks of Aaron, Aaron worrying about her.

Something stills inside him though. "Worrying about you. Not me. Never me."

Robert strokes over her face, tears filling his eyes and he thinks what he's doing is almost wrong. He thinks it's awful because Aaron adores her but then he's thinking about himself, about how blind Aaron has been to all his issues, all his torment. He's thinking until he can't feel anything for Aaron at all.

He stays exactly where he is until he sights a car driving past the hotel window, it's Aaron's car and he resents how easy it is for him to spot. He then realises that maybe his mind wants him to hate Aaron, something he never thought was possible.

He looks down at Annie in his arms still, they ache, his arms _ache_ and he wonders if all dads feel this pain. They probably don't even feel it, too in love with their child to notice. He does though, all he feels is dead weight. 

Dead weight? That's how he speaks about his own _baby_.

There's a knock on the door, the sound of feet shuffling and harsh breath.

"Let me in, Rob, let me in please." It's Aaron's voice and Robert's standing at the sound of it. Annie's eyes are fluttering open too, like she knows she should be awake to hear her daddy's voice

"Please." Aaron's crying, Robert can hear him. It's the only thing he hears until he's moving towards the door and opening it and -

Aaron's running in, he's trying to hold Annie and Robert won't let him.

"She likes when I hold her like this." Robert's got this sad smile on his face, won't look at Aaron as he speaks. "I think."

Aaron hates the uncertainty, feels like something shatters inside of him and the last half an hour has resulted in this moment, this realisation that his husband is not himself, he's _gone_.

"Let me hold her eh?" Aaron realises he had to be gentle, he can't shout and scream like he has been doing, "I'm dying for a squeeze." His hands are shaking, won't stop shaking.

Robert finally looks up at Aaron, his eyes are filled with misery and he hates himself for putting him through it all. His arms slowly come closer towards Aaron and then he sees flashing from outside, blue and red colours and -

"The police. You called the _police_."

Aaron's shaking his head, "No. Yes. Robert give me Annie."

He bolts instead.

Aaron's running after him and he's suddenly in a lift, going higher and higher and higher until Annie's giving them away, she's crying and he has to get to open air, has to breathe. He turns right and then left and climbs some more stairs until he's on the roof and the sky is even darker than before.

Aaron's behind him within seconds, hand over his mouth as he sees Robert moving closer and closer towards the edge. He has this pounding heart ache, it's almost like someone is drilling into his head and won't stop going.

"Stand - stand back, stand back." Robert shakes all over, Annie's crying in his arms and won't stop. "I mean it - not any closer, I swear."

The police are there suddenly and Robert starts shaking his head like mad. "No, no you can't take her from me." He's holding Annie closer to him, pleading as Aaron looks away.

"I just want her safe." Aaron's still crying, face red and panicked and _lost_.

"So you think she isn't safe with _me_?" Robert growls, "You think I'd hurt our _beautiful_ baby girl. That's what you think, I heard ya, you think I'm going to hurt her. You think I'm like your fucking freak of a dad?"

Aaron's horrified, shakes his head hard. "No. _No_ , please don't think that."

Robert shudders. "You do. You think I'm going to _hurt_ her like some sick psycho!"

Aaron steps a little forward, panics as Robert steps closer towards the edge. "No I don't, I -" he cringes as Robert steps back _again_.

"See." Robert can't believe it, feels hollow. "You're _petrified_."

"Of course I fucking am!" Aaron's screaming, it makes everything ten times worse. "You're standing on a rooftop, near the _edge_ , with our daughter and you're not well."

Robert shuts his eyes, the next minute he opens them and Aaron's saying sorry. "You think you know everything. You don't. You don't know what happened, you don't know what I did."

Aaron's breathing is all over the place and he has a hand through his hair. "What are ya on about?" He's scared, he's petrified and the police behind him seem unable to know what to do.

"Rebecca of course," Robert's crying, hating her, _God_ he hates her. "I didn't tell you how much I pushed her to leave, how bad it got, I didn't tell you that she lost the baby because of me."

Aaron's shaking his head. "No. No you didn't, it wasn't your fault Rob please don't think that."

"It was me." Robert blurts out. "Ollie's dead, he's dead because of me. That's why I'm like this with Annie. That's why I'm _sick_ in the head."

Ollie. Aaron's heart beats out of his chest, his name, the baby's name, he was called Ollie? Oliver. He was going to be called -

"I can't love her. I'm useless. I can't love her." Robert keeps saying it, he can't stop saying it and Aaron's kneeling on his knees begging.

"You can, you can just - just come here you idiot. Come here and just let me help you." Aaron's sobbing, he's coming closer to Robert and Robert's letting him.

"I want him back, I want to make up for it all." Robert's looking down at Annie. "I want to be there for her, I can't - Aaron I can't do it." 

"You can. You can Robert, you can do anything, with me, me and you are a team aren't we?" Aaron's inches away from Robert now, can almost touch him as he stands there, near the edge, in the middle of the night.

"You're going to take her from me, you're going - going to run away with her and she'll hate me like Ollie does up there." He's looking towards the sky and Aaron's feeling like there's nothing left of his heart, Robert's shattered the last of it. "I want to love her, I want to love her Aaron, help me love her properly." 

"Properly?" Aaron's voice breaks. "You do." He whispers and then looks down at Annie who is looking straight at Robert and is holding a hand towards him. "Look at her, she wants you, she wants you and I want you."

"You don't." Robert stiffens. "She was right, what she said was right, I killed our baby, I killed Ollie didn't I? So this fuck up in my head is karma." He's so adamant, it's scary Aaron thinks.

"You have to let me help you." Aaron's pleading, "Do it for Annie." That makes Robert look at him properly. "Sort it all out for our little Annie eh?" He has a hand on Robert's elbow and he's shivering.

Robert's eyes are wet with tears again. "I don't want you to take her from me." He's pleading and Aaron's shaking his head, feels like he's melting away.

"I promise on her little life I won't do that to you again." Aaron knows now this is deeper than anything else, it's worse than what he ever could have feared or thought he knew.

Robert's got something wrong in his mind, maybe he's lost himself, maybe it's just too much too soon and all his demons are coming back, maybe they've never even left.

Robert's nodding his head, shuffling further until he's handing Annie over into Aaron's arms and shaking his hands as he stares down at his empty hands, comes to a sickening realisation of what's just happened.

The police are coming forward, talking to him and trying to calm him down and Aaron's trying to get to him, trying to comfort him but it's hard and Annie's crying and -

Robert feels the world spinning by him, everything is moving too fast and then his eyes are rolling back and he's collapsing on the floor. The last person he thinks of is Annie, the last person he sees is Ollie.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope this is still enjoyable (ish) only one more chapter now. let me know what you thought.


	3. Chapter three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am aware i stopped many from breathing and for that i apologise, hold your breath for like one chapter more though!

 

When Robert's eyes finally flicker open again, he's surrounded by white walls and machines and he realises that he's in a hospital bed.

He hears Aaron next to him, he thinks he's praying, yeah he's praying, whispering softly.

"I'm begging, I'm praying, let him be alright, let him sort whatever is going on out, please."

Aaron's got his head in his hands and he's shaking, sobbing like before. "I fucking need him, Annie and me and Liv need our Robert back."

Robert finds this strength to hold Aaron's hand and it takes the younger man by surprise, he jumps back for a second and then he's squeezing back.

He doesn't speak though, he's silent as Aaron sits with him, tells him he has to talk, has to.

He watches Aaron run out the room after a while, had enough obviously. He hears him shouting at one of the doctors too, that aches.

"He needs your help, he needs _help_ not - not fucking drugs!"

Aaron comes back through the door, sits down on the chair and his knee bounced up and down. "You're guilty, you're guilty over Ol- _him_ , but you have to move on. I thought you had." He ducks his head, watches Robert stay silent, just blinking. "Open your fucking mouth and -" Robert winces, tears start rolling down his face and Aaron's suddenly crushing his weight against his husband and kissing his head. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for shouting, I'm sorry."

He's sorry because he has no idea what's going on, he has not _one_ idea about what's going through Robert's mind anymore.

He's clueless until Vic's showing up with Diane. Then he gets a better understanding.

"She came back today, her and Rob had words, she blamed him for Ollie dying, said he killed him." Vic's crying as she speaks and Aaron clenches his jaw. "She was talking about Annie in the pub, your mum wasn't there, she said it's unfair he has her. She -"

"This is all her fault." Aaron snaps, starts pacing the hospital ward. "If that bitch never opened her spiteful mouth then -"

Diane looks uncomfortable, like she thinks otherwise and Aaron's eyes flicker.

"Pet, I think this has been going on for longer than today." She's so sad, almost in mourning, "I think he's been struggling since she was born don't you think?"

It started so suddenly didn't it? One day Robert was ready to face the world with their child and the next he had turned into this worried, panicked, distant man. Aaron was too preoccupied to even see it, he was wrapped up in Annie and -

"That's why he asked me, about how it feels when your child is born." Vic looks haunted, "He said he was useless, he told me."

Aaron has a hand over his mouth, goes to speak and then he's running. He's running as fast as he feet can take him because he needs to forget this all for a second or two or maybe more than that.

Somehow it's Adam who finds him, it's Adam who has a hand on his shoulder and allows him to cry.

"It's my fault." The words are heavy, make Aaron feel like he's going to be sick. "I didn't see it, didn't want to. I buried it all Adam and now he's messed up." He rubs a hand over his face and shudders.

Adam's kneeling down, fights back his own tears as they sit outside the hospital. "Oi, none of us could have known he was going to do something like that."

Aaron frowns, "Yeah but I should have _known_." He trembles, "I'm his husband, I'm Annie's dad too." He feels his heart pound harder in his chest and things are shaking around him and everything is suddenly silent, almost like a part of his has died.

When he looks up Liv is running towards him, she's with Chas and he wants to hug her but she's slapping his chest pathetically instead.

"I said - I _said_ there was something more, I said he was struggling and you didn't listen!" Liv's crying her eyes out and everything is suddenly so much worse.

Adam pulls her back, holds her close. "Let's not blame ourselves okay?" He whispers to her as Aaron tries to gather his thoughts.

"Why not? She's right." Aaron's chin wobbles, keeps wobbling like mad and then he falls back against the wall. "I didn't listen to ya, I'm sorry."

Chas comes forward, closes in on him and then he's frowning. "Where's Annie?" He's asking, almost needs her with him.

"Paddy's spoiling her rotten." Chas explains, tears in her eyes. "How is he?" She finally asks and Aaron's head rolls back.

"No idea."

 

~

 

When they walk back in it takes seconds for a doctor to find him, call him into a family room all by himself.

"Your husband has shown signs of Postnatal Depression." It's pushed out like a barrier and Aaron's not ready, he's sitting down but he's still almost falling back because that can't be true.

"He's not a _mum_." Aaron's almost naive as he speaks. "What are you talking about?"

"We've had a nurse and a psychologist assess him, speak with him about his thoughts, about his worries, about _Annie_." Aaron flickers at the mention of her name. "They're very irrational Mr Dingle, ranging from almost a complete lack of sympathy and indifference, to extreme worry and fear for her safety. His thoughts are scattered -"

"He's a new dad, he's just not used to -"

"It's more than that Sir." The doctor seems sad about it, like after seeing Robert he was shaking or something.

Aaron wipes a hand down his thigh, "He spoke to you?" He can't believe it, he got nothing out of him for what felt like hours alone together.

The doctor nods, "We want to assess him further, put things down on records, keep him here for a few days."

Aaron just wants to go home, be with Annie, have her laying in between them in bed like they used to do when she was days old.

He doesn't want _this_.

"Postnatal depression?" Aaron's voice breaks, after all this time, all this time he realises that it was always something _more_. It wasn't mood swings or baby blues or worry, it was _more_.

The doctor gulps, tells him about their brillant counsellors and he wants to tell him to piss off but he doesn't. Instead he stands by the window and watches him tell Robert the verdict, the diagnosis, he watches Robert shake his head and recoil in horror and hate himself and then suddenly he's running in and holding him close. 

"I know, I know." Aaron's saying, feeling Robert lace fingers into his hoodie and cry. "It's going to be okay though, we're getting you better I promise."

Robert feels hollow, it almost makes sense but then he realises that he really _is_ a failure, there's no other explanation is there? He's got some sick, twisted depression over Annie because it's karma. But Aaron's there, he's promising that he's going to get better. "Promise?" He needs to know he will. 

Aaron kisses Robert's head slowly and lets a tear roll down his face. "Me? Of course I do, when have I ever been wrong eh?" He tries, he tries so hard and he knows he's failing in whatever sort of relief that was supposed to bring.

He knows that Robert is knee deep in whatever darkness won't leave him be, it's a rescue mission really. One that's going to take time, time and patience and Aaron's love and understanding. He'll give it all though, give it all just to have a repeat of that day on that beach where everything was happy and pure and good.

He'd give anything.

 

~

 

Robert wakes up and Aaron's over him, he's standing there looking worried and concerned and he sees Vic standing outside, staring through the window. 

Aaron's trying to smile but his tiredness shows. Robert gulps down hard and then he's blinking quickly, thinking back to the night before, thinking back to how he cried and cried into Aaron's arms. 

He feels like a fool now. He really does.

"How's Liv?" It's what Robert wants to know, he needs to know.

Aaron bites his lip. "She's home with mum and Annie -" he trails of, thinks of how upset Liv was, how she wanted to leave as soon as she saw the police standing there and hesitating to go because they thought Robert may be a danger to himself.

Robert instantly drops his head. "It's okay you know, you can say her name." 

Aaron shuffles on his feet, "Yeah I know." He gulps, unsteady. 

"Is that why she isn't here, you think 'cause I've got this depression shit that I don't want her near me?" Robert holds the blanket tight, eyes starting to water.

Aaron's eyes widen and he can't help the way his mouth falls open for lack of words. "I don't know what you want or feel or - _need_." 

That hurts, it hurts him all over because it's his husband laying there and he doesn't have a clue what he wants. 

Robert gulps. "I don't think I want to see her." He admits and Aaron looks sad. "That's awful innit? I'm awful."

Aaron's got a hand on Robert's hand within seconds. It's just instant, despite not understanding it at all, he just needs to be there for him. "You're not awful. You're not."

Robert nods slowly, really slowly and then he looks at Aaron. "Make sure she's safe." 

Safe? Aaron's heart aches, he leans closer and kisses Robert head delicately. 

"She's safe." It doesn't seem enough because Robert looks unsettled. "You want me to give mum a ring?" Robert nods and Aaron smiles, it doesn't meet his eyes as he leaves the room.

He ends the call, sees the doctor trying to get his attention and then he's walking over.

"Has he been talking at all?" The doctor asks, looks genuinely concerned and then looks at how troubled Aaron seems. "Is there anything -"

"I keep thinking you're going to take him away somewhere, take him away from me and call him mad." Aaron's had a dream, Robert running and running away from him and shouting something like 'why didn't you save me?' and it's been enough to make him cry into his pillow at night.

The doctor steps forward, looks calm. "He's not at risk if that's what you're thinking. He doesn't need to go anywhere, he's safe here. He's not going to get sectioned, he's staying here. 

Aaron feels sick, then hopeful. "Yeah?" He asks, unsure. 

The doctor nods, "And soon, with the help our postnatal team, I'm hopeful that Robert will be able come home, to you and your daughter, permanently."

Aaron feels himself lighten, just a little. 

When he comes back in, Robert's crying. It's a terrifying sight, makes Aaron shudder because his suave charming husband doesn't cry in hospital beds. Aaron knows that's more his forte.

"Rob," Aaron's closer to the bed, almost sitting on it and Robert's laying down, looking away from him as he cries. "She's okay, I just rang and she's _fine_."

"She hates me." Robert whispers, feels silly to talk about their three month old baby in such a way but it's _true_.

Aaron attempts to stroke Robert's arm and then hesitates. "Of course she doesn't."

"She'll always remember this. She'll hate me for what I did." He's haunted by it, every time he closes his eyes he sees himself on that roof, so close to the edge. "I could have killed us both up there, if my head was any darker."

Aaron's eyes widen and then Robert's slowly looking at him. "So leave me. Hate me, fucking _hate_ me Aaron, because you can't love _this_ , you can't."

Aaron feels almost like he's doubled over in pain and he can't exactly move for a few seconds because he's in such shock. The darkness came from absolutely no where and has sucked everything out of Robert entirely.

The bed creaks as Aaron gets up, feels tightening in his chest and anger. "I've been sat here, all this time, away from my baby because of you." He's snappy, cruel ever as he doesn't say 'our' baby, almost makes a point of it. "You don't want my help do you?"

Robert's eyes start to blink quickly.

"You just want to _wallow_ in your misery and I can't focus on you when that poor little girl needs me." Aaron's almost blubbering and then Robert feels his heart beat out of his chest. "I had the social round."

Robert didn't expect that, should have really.

"They asked all these questions, I had to _fight_ and tell them that you're getting help and that - that you're going to be okay." Aaron's still shouting, won't stop as he thinks about all the accusations and the way he had to try his hardest. "Don't you care?"

"I do." Robert stresses, then looks down. "That's - that's why I have to - look you didn't sign up for me turning into a mad man once we had a kid did ya?" He looks down at his hand, his ring is shining like always. "I'm no good." His head hangs, "So leave me and love our girl for two okay?"

He's so matter of fact, like he knows exactly how this needs to be and Aaron is floore

"Fine." Aaron blows out before disappearing from Robert's view. It takes seconds for Robert to start crying, he thinks Aaron might hear it as he leaves the room.

 

~

 

Vic comes and sees him, tells her brother that it's going to be fine as long as he's honest and wants the help.

He tells her that Aaron's not coming back, that it's for the best and she can't hide her sadness. 

"It's for the best. They're better off without me." Robert is firm in that knowledge.

Up until he's having a nightmare and thinking Annie's in danger and he's screaming down the hospital until Aaron's running through the doors, looking like he's just jumped out off bed.

"She's fine." Aaron's petting his hair like he's a little boy, can't even speak right because it's so late. "She - uh she's tucked in with me, she's got her elephant, uh ah -"

"Ellie. Ellie the Elephant." Robert pushes out, shaky breath, shaky voice and then suddenly he's squeezing Aaron's hand and crying. "Don't leave me."

Aaron doesn't know what to say, gulps hard and then he's coming closer. "How could I?" He blinks softly before trying to smile, "Annie misses you, I talk about you all the time to her and - she lights up."

Robert can't believe that, tries though.

He feels lighter when he wakes up the next day, he's got to speak to some woman, he thinks her name is Ruby when she's finally sat down.

She's got glasses, freckles and ginger hair and she's probably only a few years older than Robert. She tells him that she's from the mother and baby unit and he cringes, then she tells him they don't tell dads to piss off and the mood is lightened immediately.

"I don't love her enough." Robert blurts out. "That's all there is to it, I'm a failure." He's never really been unsuccessful when it came to getting what he wanted, this is alien, makes him feel sick.

"How would you measure the right amount of love for a baby?" Ruby seems to wonder, like she's genuinely curious.

Robert doesn't know though, he doesn't have a clue, just knows that Aaron's got it bang on and he's lagging too far behind. He tells her that, watches her nod her head.

"From what I've been told, which isn't much, you're worried that someone or something will harm Annie, your daughter." Ruby watches Robert's eyes flicker. "Is that why you went up on that roof a few days ago?"

Robert cowers, has to have a few minutes filled with silence. "I don't know what I was thinking, Aaron thought I'd hurt her and it killed me. I just wanted to keep her with me."

Ruby shuffles, "I'd say you love her a lot." She admits, shrugs her shoulders a little. "You just need help with rationalising everything you feel for her."

"What about when I don't feel a thing?" Robert looks down at his hands. "When she feels like dead weight in my arms?" He blinks back tears.

"How long does that feeling usually last?"

He tells her it depends, makes himself feel small and vulnerable and then she says she's going to help him, he wants to believe her.

 

~

 

It's all around the village. Robert's gone looney and nearly fell off a roof with Annie. So Aaron's staying inside, staying away from it because Robert's seeing someone at the hospital and he'll only be in the way if he stays. 

He tortures himself instead, he sticks on the recording of him and Robert messing around when they were painting the room yellow for Annie. He sees the laughter, the ease on Robert's face, the _cheek_ and he feels hollow. He wonders where he's gone, if he's ever going to come back.

It makes him want to hug Robert, want to be there for him despite how angry he is with his husband. So he decides to go, without Annie though.

"Going to see daddy, try and make him happy again yeah?" Aaron tries to be animated with Annie before passing her to his mum. His mum who doesn't like any of this, who hates how exhausted her son is over Robert.

"He's got PND mum, fucks sake." He hits something before he leaves after hearing her mumble something about priorities.

When he parks up, he sees someone standing outside the entrance. It's her, he sees Rebecca.

"Don't even think about stepping foot in there." Aaron warns, rounds on here and stares at her innocent looking face, he keeps thinking about what she said to Robert, then he thinks about the last time he actually saw her. She was crying, bare faced, hands tight around her luggage as she disappeared out of the village, heartbroken in more ways than one.

Rebecca's eyes flicker, "I heard what happened." She hangs her head. "I heard that he ended up on roof with the baby."

It's so cold, makes Aaron almost shiver.

"You know what I heard? I heard you came back and fucked up our lives again by telling him that he killed your son." Aaron's biting and then he's looking at this locket on her neck and seeing the name ingrained there. He feels sick again.

Rebecca's eyes flicker and she suddenly looks away. "I need to see him." She says, feet walking quickly towards the hospital, running inside and Aaron's trying to hold her back but she's almost near his room, telling the nurse she's his sister and -

Robert's staring at her through the window, he's turned almost a pale green and his hands shake. She looks like she's stunned by his appearance, blond hair braided and a green elaborate blouse tucked into some patterned trousers, she looks like she can't bring herself to speak.

Ruby's still in the room, she's soaking up all the tension and then she's asking Robert to talk to her. He looks down instead though, can't face anything anymore because every time he sees Rebecca he sees Ollie, the two cannot be separated.

"Can we do this tomorrow or something, I'm tired." He isn't, he just needs her to go.

She does and then she's running straight into Aaron and the man finds himself divulging into the whole sorry story of why Robert reacted like that to the 'blond with the colours'.

"They had a thing, years ago. Then again when I went inside," he think she's going to judge but she doesn't. "She got knocked up, it was his and she wanted to keep it. He didn't want her in the village though, he hounded her for weeks for my sake." Aaron suddenly feels something twist in his stomach and he's crying. "Because I couldn't cope with seeing her around. The next thing I know, she's lost him, had to gave birth and everything and then let him go." He can't image that, can't wish it on anyone in this world. "He didn't grieve, didn't let me even know it had happened, I found out from his sister, found him crouched over in our bathroom refusing to cry about it."

"So he never expressed his feelings about the loss?" Ruby's asking now.

Aaron wipes his tears, "A little, at the start. He said he wasn't glad or anything, tried to suggest I was and - I didn't want to upset him so I just stopped asking. I stopped and he got better, was able to tell me that it wasn't his kid anyway, it was _hers_."

"Dissociating himself from something which has caused him pain." Ruby almost whispers and Aaron gets it.

"Then she was gone, no funeral, nothing. She decided what she was going to go, and he let her." Aaron shudders, looks at Ruby. "Please help him talk to me. I just want him to be a dad to Annie."

Ruby nods. "There's a great team here, we're going to get him the help he needs."

She does help, she's slow and soft with him and then she's talking about Oliver and he's letting her.

"You say it's karma, what happened, why you're like this with Annie?" Ruby says. "You've managed to punish yourself in a way because of how you think you treated your son."

Robert looks away, "It seems like the only way to get by. How else can I live with the guilt? I pushed and pushed and pushed until she was actually gone, until I got my wish and she wasn't pregnant anymore and now I can't help but hate myself. 

"Do you hate Annie?"

Robert can answer that simply, "No." He whispers. "I'm just scared, I'm scared of letting her down so I switch off out of nowhere, like I did when she was born."

Ruby takes her glasses off and comes a little closer towards Robert. "You know, you loving her won't take anything away from what you feel for Oliver. It won't at all. You're allowed to be happy, you're allowed to move on."

Robert goes to protest but then suddenly someone's at the door, the door which is ajar. "She's right, she really is."

It's Rebecca, Robert's mouth dries up and his heart beats out of his chest.

She sits where Ruby sat, she plays with her beaded bag and scratches at the sewn gems of her deep purple dress.

"What do you want?" Robert whispers, starts ripping at the thread on the sheets and counting the seconds of silence. He wants Aaron suddenly, he wants Aaron and Annie and he wants Liv too. 

"To tell you the truth." Rebecca bows her head, like she's ashamed, likes she troubled.

Robert gulps. "The truth?" He whispers, unsure of what that means.

She starts feeling at the locket, again and again and Robert looks away. "About him, about what happened."

Robert feels like he can't breathe, like he's falling or something and he wants her to speak faster.

"Spit it out!" Robert's eyes are wide and frantic and he's gripping the sheets now, can't stop the way he feels like he's about to be hit by a train.

Rebecca sighs, "You were - were just so, so cruel to me." She bows her head again. "You wanted me out of that village because I'd messed up your pretty little life and you wouldn't _stop_ trying." Her voice breaks and then she's looking down at her rings, all gold on her fingers. "So I was going to leave, I had things sorted and then I fell."

Robert frowns, doesn't understand.

"You fell? What do you mean? I don't see how that -"

"I fell, hard, down the stairs, landed funny. The next thing I knew I was in hospital and they said he wasn't breathing." Rebecca studies the way it sinks into Robert's mind, the way it soaks into his expression and suddenly he's breathing erratically.

"You let me think it was my fault? You let me think that - you _told_ me they said it was stress, it was _stress_ that's what _you_ said!" She fell, she fell, _she_ fell and lost the baby. That's what happened, she didn't suddenly have too much of him trying to make her leave and then lost their son. She missed her footing, she tripped, toppled down the stairs at five months pregnant and -

"It was easier." Rebecca bites her lip, tears in her eyes, "You wouldn't have cared if I told you the truth, you would have blamed me and -"

"So you blamed me instead?" Robert shudders, tears are in his eyes, "You called me a murderer. You said I didn't deserve Annie because I killed our baby." It had all stuck, every last word, every last one. "You made me think it was true."

Rebecca sighs, starts shaking her head. "It was a shock, seeing her. I was jealous." She admits, sniffs softly. "I was going to tell you the truth, that's why I came back. I was so guilty and then there you were, not even _sorry_."

Robert stays silent, just keeps thinking about how badly this has turned everything on its head.

"You didn't want to be near me after I lost him, you let me do it all on my own, let me take his - his ashes and go." Rebecca speaks like the thoughts have been on her mind for months.

Robert snaps his head up. "What did you _want_ from me? I was _heartbroken_. But I couldn't tell you that could I? Because I had made your life a _misery_." He's crying, really crying and then he shakes his head. "I had all those threats in my mind over and over again, I hated myself, I hated everything." Robert blinks and then frowns. "And after all this time, it wasn't why you lost him."

Rebecca shudders. "I'm sorry." It's not enough though.

"I couldn't love Annie right because of this, I couldn't hold her in my arms and love her for more than a day because of this," he looks at Rebecca coldly. "Because of you and your sick lies." Rebecca looks away, knows that there's nothing to stay. "I have PND."

That shocks her, she didn't know.

"Robert, I didn't know -"

"I need you to go." Robert shudders, "Now. I need you to leave."

She hesitates, then stands. "I am sorry." She attempts to get out, can't say anymore.

Robert turns over in the bed, feels like someone's stabbed at his chest as he lays there and waits for anything but sadness to kick in.

 

~

 

Aaron arrives with Liv, for a few minutes he's alone with the girl and she's trying to speak to him but he hasn't moved since Rebecca left.

"We miss ya," Liv says, bounces on the bed and then realises that Robert can't do anything other than blink and look away from her. She bolts out the room and decides she'll wait in the car.

"Rob?" Aaron's voice is low as he speaks, as he comes closer and then starts to brush the hair out of Robert's face. "Robert, look at me." Somehow Robert manages to. "What's happened? Has - did Ruby take it too far today."

Robert shakes his head, feels tears in his eyes that swell and fall down his face.

"Robert," it stings Aaron, to see him like this, he's crouched down beside him and then he's attempting to shake at him. "I love you." He hopes it can stir Robert towards him. "Annie loves you."

"She doesn't. Don't lie." That's the only thing Robert can get out.

"Of course she does." Aaron insists, eyes slowly becoming wet with tears. "I promise."

Robert just stays completely vacant and Aaron drops his head. "Tell me you love me back then?" He tries, but Robert won't. His mind is too far removed. "Try, come on, ask me about Annie, ask me about -" Robert sighs, rolls over so that he can't see him anymore.

"You don't even love us enough to fucking try!" Aaron shouts, instantly regrets his anger and starts pacing the room as Robert looks at him, heartbroken.

"Rebecca told me the worst thing Aaron. The worst thing." It just blurts out, no filter, tears rolling down his face as he plays with his hands and sees Aaron stop dead in his tracks and frown.

He comes closer, and Robert cries, and he tells him it all.

"That sick bitch." Aaron rubs the tears away from his eyes after Robert is finished. He can't believe it, feels like he's aged five years just by listening. Robert's eyes are dark and filled with sadness. "Can't believe she did that to ya, blamed you for it all when she was the one who -"

Robert shudders. "I don't want to think about her anymore." He whispers, then looks down at Aaron's hands and sees his ring. "I want you to know that I love you instead." 

Aaron blushes, "I do." He tilts his head. "Sometimes it's hard to know though."

Robert gulps, "I know." He whispers before daring to ask a question. "Can I see a picture of Annie?" 

Aaron's eyes widen, it's a step, it's a _big_ step because there seems to be desire in Robert's eyes to hear about her, to see her. He's suddenly fishing out his phone, scrolling through pictures and then quickly the whole night is filled with their love for her.

It's not wasted on Rebecca or her actions. Robert doesn't want it to be. He takes one little look at his daughter and his heart actually _melts_ in his chest.

They gave him anti depressants, standard, for sixth months. They give him Ruby's number and a helpline and a leaflet and then he's got to go home.

It scares him senseless because although he's spoken to Ruby about Oliver, about Rebecca's revelation too, he feels like there's no hope for him at all.

That's all round the village, along with everything else. She's gone though, Rebecca's ran again and he's glad because seeing her would only make him see red and he didn't have the energy for that.

Robert's stopped dead in his tracks before going home, there's a social worker paying him a visit and she looks like she's alarmed by him already.

"I know what you think of me." Robert says steadily. "I'm mad, shouldn't be anywhere near the little girl, but I can't help it. There's something not right and I know that, it's why I need to keep fighting it, for her, for Annie." Robert has his phone out, he's got a picture of Annie out, "That little girl, I want her to be everything to me." He feels himself start to cry. "You'll never know how that felt, to not be able to love her right. But I swear, I swear I'll try my best. Baby steps. Baby steps yeah?"

When he looks up he sees that she's in tears, maybe it's unprofessional but it makes her human and he needs her kindness, he does.

He needs her telling him that he can go home, that she'll be paying regular visits for the foreseeable and won't be taken Annie from him.

When he gets home, Annie's in Liv's arms and everything stills around him. He can see how Aaron tenses, how he comes towards his daughter and introduces Robert to her again as if Robert is the new family dog who must get used to the baby of the house.

"Look who it is Annie, it's daddy." His heart pounds as Aaron comes closer and then he's stepping back.

"I don't want you to do this 'cause you think you have to." Robert has a hand out. "It's okay if you're scared I'll do something daft like kidnap -"

Aaron winces, bites his lip and then he's slowly trusting Robert with everything he has, with Annie, he's coming closer and he's gesturing for Robert to open up his arms. Robert obliges, then feels Annie in his arms, he's holding her, only him.

"She's heavier." Robert comments, feels her weight in his arms and then he's staring at her face, her eyes are wide and her arms shoot up and attempt to grab at his face. "Hello baby," he's trying not to cry, knows Aaron is though, "Daddy's here, daddy's back I swear, I promise you I'm trying to be back forever and ever."

He tries, he really tries and he realises he isn't feeling that awful about her anymore, a chunk of the weight of Rebecca is gone from him mind, still festering but - it's largely disappeared.

"I'm here, if it gets too much I'm here." Liv whispers, watching Robert feed Annie a bottle that night. He looks at her, feels like he's never loved her as much.

"I know you are." Robert assures her before looking down. "I'm sorry, about you being dragged into this."

Liv frowns, "Well don't be, you're my brother, that's how it feels at least so - I can't turn my back on ya can I?" 

Robert's eyes glimmer with something, "Suppose not." 

That night he's laying in his bed and Annie's snoring softly, he can hear her on the monitor. He's the little spoon, unashamedly so, can't explain how good it feels when Aaron wraps his strong arms round him and tells him that they're safe.

It feels good, feels right.

Robert turns over and looks at Aaron. "I'm sorry, how haven't I said that properly yet?" He's been trying to, unable to find the right words, the right time.

Aaron's gulping, "What for?" He starts stroking Robert's arms. "You're not well, I can't hold ya to anything you said or did. I'm not going to hold it against you." He means that, hopes Robert understands.

"I took our Annie, you must have been going out of your _mind_." Robert whispers, voice small and weak. "How did you forgive that? I - don't deserve you to."

Aaron presses a kiss to Robert's head, "You do, we deserve to be happy and we will be." Aaron flinches and something passes over in his mind. "I blame myself for a lot of it actually." He clears his throat, needs to get this out. "For so long, I blamed myself for Oliver, because you were only wanting her to leave 'cause of _me_ , I was to blame."

He used to cry about whenever Robert wasn't around.

"But you know now that it wasn't like that, not fully anyway." Robert whispers, feels Aaron nod against him and then kiss his forehead. He's suddenly shaking, becoming almost overwhelmed and hit with a bout of misery which Aaron detects.

"Robert?" He questions, tears swimming in his own eyes.

"I have to tell you something." Robert's shaky as he speaks. "Don't hate me." He pleads and Aaron promises he won't. "When I saw her first, when you handed our daughter to me, I felt nothing, _nothing_ Aaron."

Aaron looks so sad, but he keeps holding Robert's hand regardless.

"I'm a monster." Robert shakes his head, tries to turn away and then Aaron's pulling back him. "It was awful, I'd never been more petrified." It's all just pouring out and he can't stop it. "That feeling, not _loving_ your own baby girl -"

Aaron can't imagine, but knows it must be the worst thing in the world.

"I don't know what to say." Aaron gulps, "I don't."

Robert presses his head into Aaron's chest. "You don't need to say anything," he mumbles. "Just - you're doing enough."

"Am I?" Aaron's tripping on his voice and then sighs as Robert nods against him. "I don't feel like I am."

"You have to believe that you are." Robert pushes out quickly, presses a hand in Aaron's chest and feels like he needs Aaron to believe it for the rest of his life. Robert blinks, heart beating quickly and a wave of something hitting him. "This won't happen over night you know. I won't be better by tomorrow."

Aaron nods, "I know." He says, with a heavy heart. "But I'm not planning on going anywhere, none of us are."

It's enough reassurance, enough to have Robert dreaming nice dreams of a baby boy, his baby boy now and instead of apologising, he's just saying hello.

 

~

 

The thing is, anti-depressants are the worst. They make Robert lay awake at night, and snap and scream and sometimes want to take too many and forget about it all. But then someone's pulling him back.

He's surprised it's Chas though, he's surprised because she's kept her distance for weeks.

She just so happens to walk in on him attempting to tighten one of Annie's bottles and she sees him struggling because he doesn't seem to have the knack anymore.

She watches him curse and then cry and then she helps.

"I'm not scared of ya son." Chas says, knows that's how it's come across. "Your temper ain't as bad as Aaron's eh?"

She's slow with her movements and then he's looking up and trusting that she won't think he's a monster.

"Don't hate me again," he pleads, doesn't want that back. "Please don't."

That's when she hugs him close and he imagines for a second it's his mum instead and so clings tighter.

"I let ya down." That's what he thinks, "I told you I'd keep him happy and safe and I just wanted Annie to -"

Chas pulls away and smiles at him softly. "It's not your fault son," she says weakly. "It's not."

She hugs him again and he buries his head in her shoulders cries to her like he never ever has done before.

Paddy does it one time too, he sees Robert by the bridge and he chats to him about everything, has an arm over Robert's shoulder and starts slowly beginning to tease enough to go by. 

"Just feel like I'm not going anywhere, these pills are - they're awful." His hands shake as he speaks and he wonders if that's another symptom. "I'm an insomniac practically and you know what that does? It makes me feel anxious all the time, night and - and day."

Paddy sighs, "Have you spoken to Aaron?" He asks and Robert nods because he has and his husband has been supportive, just like Ruby, just like Vic.

"He tells me I'm making progress like the rest of them do." Robert looks down towards the water and then gulps. "Helped give Annie a bath yesterday." It was a big step, Aaron had actually managed to let Robert rinse her down.

Paddy smiles, claps his hands, "He's trusting you so much now isn't he?" He says, feels proud.

Robert smiles, "Suppose so." He says, doesn't know what else to say and then Paddy's inviting him and Aaron round for tea. 

"Annie and Liv too, you know, maybe Chas." Robert feels anxious about it, can't help himself and then he's nodding, trying to be normal.

Chas opens the door to them, she's overly nice now, that's what Robert is sure about. At first she was wary and almost cold and then she thawed from that breakdown and when she watched Robert attempting to tie a bow in Annie's hair. 

"My gorgeous boys!" She's a little tipsy already, Aaron rolls his eyes at Robert and it almost feels normal as they pile in.

Somehow Robert ends up holding Annie for most of the night, he thinks it's a test from Aaron or something but he manages. There's not many dark thoughts in his mind, they are bubbling under the surface, rising when anxiety is at it's peak but then it dies again. He thinks that he loves her properly now, he really does.

"You're doing great." Chas lets him know, later on in the night. She's watching from across the room and seeing how Annie has her hand around Robert's finger and won't let go. She does that a lot now and it almost makes Robert cry and wonder if she knew that he left her for a few days, was in a hospital instead of at home with her and so just desperately wants him to stay this time.

"Am I?" Robert says nervously, "The anti-depressants make me awful sometimes," he thinks about how bad he was the other morning, tired and mean and suddenly pushing away all Aaron's advances because he couldn't cope with anything happening between them like that all of a sudden. "I don't know why Aaron's putting up with me if I'm honest."

Chas has a glass of wine in her hand and she raises it to just a fraction, "Good thing I do then."

 

~

 

Robert goes to back to work, Nicola's all understanding and it's weird but he just gets in with things. Chas is looking after Annie during the day, juggling it all with Diane.

He sees Ruby once a week, maybe twice if things are rough.

"Are you in a better place?" She asks and he nods, without thinking too much because he knows that things are brighter where he is now.

He's in a light mood when he drives home, feels like he can't wait to read Annie a bed time story or something. It's been a few days since he last doubted everything and tries to have a screaming match with Aaron, telling the younger man to leave him over and over again before breaking down and hiding in the bathroom until Aaron came and found him. He's good now though.

He stops off, wants a coffee and walks into the nearest one. Maybe it's by chance that he sees her standing there, ordering something with cream. Maybe he's meant to see her again, he thinks.

Either way, she turns, burgundy hat on and matching blouse with shockingly patterned trousers and her eyes widen like mad. 

"Robert." She says, unsteady, unsure.

Robert's surprised by the way his heart doesn't ache in his chest, or how he doesn't want to run away, or how he can't hear her calling him a murderer as she stands still.

"Do you mind a word?" Robert hears himself asking, feels like he has to speak to her and not let the moment pass.

She's blinking quickly and nodding and then sliding into a chair near the window. Robert joins her, sitting opposite and clearing his throat.

"You seem better." Rebecca blurts out, has a hand through her hair awkwardly. "Look less, uh you know," she can't find her words and then stops trying.

"So do you." Robert tries, it doesn't wash though and Rebecca knows.

"What is it you want Robert?" Rebecca suddenly seems like she wants to go.

Robert clears his throat, "I've had a lot of time to think, to really think about things and - and I don't like to think I'm that man anymore, the one who tried to run you out of the village. I want to apoglise for that." It's unexpected, he can tell. "I also want to say that uh, you blaming me for what happened -"

"Is something I'll always regret." Rebecca says quickly, wants to get that out.

"It was because you blamed yourself didn't you?" Ruby has given him this air of understanding and perspective. Rebecca nods. "Well, you didn't ever need to, because what happened was an _awful_ accident. You didn't mean to fall did ya?" Rebecca shakes her head passionately. "No, so don't -" he's surprised by how emotional he's becoming. "We can't spend the rest of our lives blaming each other. I can't do it and neither can you. We need to move on and just remember him the way we can."

She touches the locket and it still stings Robert but he doesn't have to look away. There's progress there, he thinks.

"I'd like that yeah." Rebecca says, then places her hand over Robert's and sees him stiffen a little. For a second Robert wonders if Rebecca still says she loves him deep down, it makes him uncomfortable. His phone starts buzzing and there's a picture of Annie and Aaron and Liv covering the background. She instantly pulls away and clears her throat. "I should go." 

Robert nods, "Try and be happy okay?" He asks her and she nods.

"Ditto." She says before she's disappearing and he's feeling almost like he can breathe again.

When he comes back home there's the sound of voices near the back of the house, the garden door is wide open and Liv's covered in dirt, Annie's swinging in the breeze from her little seat and she's gurgling a little as she watches her daddy instruct Liv a little more.

"What if he takes it the wrong way?" Liv worries, and Aaron doesn't know what to say, his arms are crossed over and his baking in the summer heat. "What if he thinks that -"

Aaron scratches his eyebrow and shakes his head. "Let's hope he likes the idea then yeah?" He says, comes down to the grass and starts digging the ground up a little vigorously.

That's when Robert decides to make his presence felt, "Hello?" He says, loosening his tie and then walking towards the garden where Aaron is getting to his feet, rubbing the dirt off his jeans and smiling nervously. "What's all this then?" He asks before moving towards Annie and holding her, "What is daddy and auntie Liv up to?" He asks again, feels light as she looks at him all wide eyed.

It's getting easier.

Liv rises to his feet and clears her throat, "We uh - well I thought it was a good idea to do something nice, you know for - to have something to remember -" she looks towards Aaron for help.

"We bought a -" Aaron steps aside and Robert sees what they've been hiding. It's a tree, not just any tree, it's an -

"Is that an olive tree?" He wonders, his heart almost melting at the sentiment behind its small circular shape, the way it sits in the soil almost proudly and how the sun hits it just right.

Aaron comes forward, cringes his face up and then he's standing in front of Robert. "Liv just wanted to do something nice - something we can always remember him by, _you_ can always remember him by." He's not sure what Robert's thinking, edges closer. "You don't have to like it."

Annie rolls her head towards the tree and something almost clicks insides Robert, it's like his little girl has felt something from it and -

"You don't know how much it means." Robert whispers gently, pushes Aaron's forehead towards his own and shudders. "Thank you, honestly, thank you." He kisses Aaron, it feels soft and warm and he has a tingle which runs through him as his lips fall on Aaron's again and again.

He hugs Liv, lays down on the grass with Annie and his husband until the sun goes down.

"I don't want you to think this is - this is something that's just _constantly_ here for you to feel sad about." Aaron's got a hand over Robert's and he's worried.

He'd been to his counsellor, asked for advice, a way to help Robert deal with grief in a controlled way. A bloody olive tree was the thing he came up with in the end.

"It's just meant to be something _there_ for you."

Robert turns and smiles, " _Us_ , there for us." He whispers and then he kisses Aaron again, feels something dark stir in him and then Aaron's holding him tighter than ever before, sensing it all and holding his husband close. 

He keeps holding him close, he doesn't let go, not really.

He stays, stays with Robert through even darker times.

He's there when Robert attends a support group session, has to practically push him through the door. He's there and he's patient and he's kind.

It's filled with dads. They're all nervous and recluse and Robert's there, holding Aaron's hand as he goes through and introduces him, his story.

"My names Robert. I have a daughter, Annie, she's beautiful. But I couldn't see that for a very long time. I still have days where it's hard but it gets easier over time." He looks round the room and sees hopeful looking faces staring at his. "Because she'll do something like grip my hand and I'll just - I'll see that she loves me and it's enough. It stops everything else and it's amazing, it really is."

They talk a lot at the sessions and Robert finds that he has _friends_.

There's Chris, two twin boys, found himself on a train track just two months ago wanting to stop being useless for them.

There's Johnny, two week old daughter he just can't seem to love.

There's Riley, a little boy who was premature and stuck in hospital for weeks, he thought that the baby was going to hurt him so he came close to suffocating him.

Riley is the one sectioned. He's the quietest and Robert somehow wants to help him.

"Pub?" Robert hears Chris ask after one session. He finds himself nodding easily and texting Aaron, waiting for the 'enjoy yourself, love you' text, and then he's asking Riley to join them all. 

He's having fun.

Aaron's there when his course of anti-depressants runs out and the doctors assess the next steps.

He's there when Rebecca sends a card and Robert breaks down.

It's titled with: **_'On this day'_**

_It would have been his birthday today, raise a glass for him. Hope Annie's doing well._

_Rebecca._

It's just enough, but manages to make something die inside of Robert. He's not heard a lot from her, just knows she's in Syndey and she's working for some fashion business.

They raise a toast, it's quiet and reserved and the olive tree is still there.

"Happy birthday mate." Robert says, raises a can towards the tree and then feels Aaron slide a hand towards his waist.

"Happy birthday Ollie." Aaron whispers, feels the breeze hit him and then kisses Roberts neck lovingly.

It's enough to make Robert's knees grow week and then he spots Liv holding Annie, her chubby cheeks and bright eyes pull at his heart strings and he feels nothing but love for her.

It takes something magical for Robert to feel almost complete. He's late home and Annie's nearly thirteen months old, he's not feeling the greatest, nearly had a panic attack because he thought he lost the picture he kept of Annie in his wallet. He hadn't, of course he hadn't.

"You okay?" Aaron's voice is a little wary as he settles down a cup of tea for his husband and looks at Adam who is leaning against the kitchen sink, oblivious to the way Robert looks.

Robert nods his head, undoes his tie and then looks towards the garden, towards the olive tree. "Yeah, I'm alright." He says, waves a hand out and gestures towards the garden door, telling Aaron that's where he's heading.

He sits there for a while, feels a sense of calm move over him.

Then he hears Annie near him, she's crawling now, gurgling and she's got something in her hand as she attempts to come closer to Robert.

"Hello darling." Robert whispers, pulls her into his arms and then she's wriggling away as usual and crawling around on the grass.

She's a quiet little one, hardly cries anymore and is instead completely fixated with her toys and dolls. She's a calming influence on them both, on Liv too and Robert's grateful.

He's grateful that he gets to call her his, after everything he put her through. Robert gulps, looks towards the olive tree where Annie always seems to wander off towards, she's trying to touch it and Robert shakes his head, pulls her away and then she's smiling right at him.

It takes him by surprise, remembers when she first smiled at Aaron and how he felt.

He hated to admit how bitter sweet it all was.

_[ "Look at her, she's - oh my God she's smiling!" Aaron shouts, eyes almost glistening and then Robert's racing out of the shower and throwing a towel round his waist._

_It's refreshing, the feeling that rushes through him as he sees her, eyes twinkling and a smile on her face so wide and happy and it only gets bigger as Robert stares down at him._

_"She's actually smiling at us." It meant more to Aaron than he thought it would, it almost meant that he'd done it, he'd truly made her happy._

_She was smiling for the first time, she was happy and so was Robert. ]_

 

"Let's go inside eh?" Robert says softly, picks her up and carries her inside to where Adam's still being Adam and Aaron's cooking something on the hob.

He instantly looks at Robert and turns off the hob, kisses his husband then smiles. "You alright then?" He whispers and Robert frowns for just a second.

"Annie never fails does she." Robert whispers, means it and then kisses Aaron with a bit more passion, until Adam's clapping his hands and saying he needs to head off to pick up Liam.

It's later on when the magical thing happens, they're laid out on the sofa and Annie's adorably rubbing her eyes the way she does when she's tired.

"She's ready for bed ain't she?" Aaron yawns and then goes to get her bottle.

Robert agrees, turning the television off and then he's hearing something that makes his insides explode with happiness.

"Dada." It's Annie, its Annie speaking and Aaron turns right just as Robert raises his head.

They're _giddy_ and suddenly Annie's shuffling towards Robert and trying to touch his face and she's saying it again.

"That's right, _dada_." Robert whispers, on his knees in front of her and then pulling her closer so that they're hugging. He's crying, doesn't care if he looks soft because it's his girl and she's calling him daddy and -

Aaron's by him instantly, soft hands starting to stroke Robert's shoulder and he's crying too.

"Do you want to say that again for us beautiful?" Aaron whispers, can't quite believe it and then Annie's smiling at him and pushing her hands towards him too.

"Dada." Annie says again, claps her hands out of nowhere and they're both so stunned, so _happy._  

It's like it's magical, it's like something lifts and Robert knows it's never going to leave him, how awful it was, how his mind was negative and deep and filled with nothing but toxicity for months and months, but it's done something. It really has. 

Robert bites his lip and holds her close to him as she starts clapping and cheering and she's suddenly not tired at all, instead she's crawling around again and trying to stand near the sofa.

Robert looks at Aaron, sees what a blubbering mess he is and knows he just looks the same.

There's only one thing he finds himself having to say.

"Thank you." Robert whispers, wonders if Aaron gets it and then he realises he does because his cheeks are reddening and he's nodding.

"We did it, we're going to keep doing it, together yeah?" Aaron's closer, holds Robert's hands and then he kisses him, he tastes like salty tears and it only makes him smile wider.

It only makes Robert hold Aaron closer and love him more and know that however far his mind can take him from what he has, he's got Aaron and he's got Liv and he's got _Annie_ and it's enough. He'll always have them, always have that Olive tree and all its memories, he'll always have a _family_.

No matter what comes his way. They won't fade, the feeling they gave him will never fade and that's more than enough for him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked the ending and that it gave you a sense of closure if not anything else. i am blown away by the support for this fic and how lovely people have been about my writing, so thank you all! 
> 
> come find me on tumblr @littlelooneyluna to let me know you thought! Xx

**Author's Note:**

> hope you sort of enjoyed it, let me know what you thought ;)


End file.
